Let it be known...

...that today is historic as the day AM came out.

Fight

I came in at10 from a Chinese night at my friends, and now it is one o clock, and have recovered from a shouting match thatturned into a massive cry on my mum as my dad hastily retreated from female shows of emotion.

It apparently is all my fault. Everything. 

So I broke down, because ok it may be my fault but it's only be ause I'm concerned with so many other things, like reading EVERYTHING and writing poems and writing my personal statement. But if I don't come down and show them the work, it's like I've not even done it.

My dad and I are like opposites. He plans everything to the nearest detail whereas I just kind of go for it and work it out as I go along. Both ways get you to the same destination I the end. My way may be slower but I find some cool things on the detour.

Ok I'll admit it. I'm young and stupid and scared and everytime I try to look at university websites the stats and links start to dance and I shut it before the weigh of my future smothers me. My brain just switches off as I go into panic mode and fight or flight kicks in. Too often it has been flight recently...

I'm trying to change that.

Blast fom the past

Everybody's favourite...drunk blogs with Beth!!!

URGH. Wh does it only ever ki k in properly when I get home? URGH. My parent yet hate me.

His smile could light s thousand castles, but it was like sand draining through fingers. No matter how hard you tried it could be preserved and held in your hands.

Lol. Poetic.

Write drunk edit sober lol lol was that Wilde or hemmingway? Who knows who cares loooollll

Things that anger me

The fact that my mother; a music teacher; cannot use iTunes. 

I am not a computer whiz that can solve all her problems. The assumption that just because I spend a lot of time on the Internet doesn't mean I actually know how to work things!

Oh god I'm doin that thing again

When I forgot to write. I'm out of habit!!!!

On the plus side I've one a draft of my personal statement, but it is sadly pure twaddle. Oh dear. Hopefully some nice teachers can sort it out.

Tomorrow I am going to see my PT about changing some things and I'm going for the fitful approach,which may not work but at least I am beinga honest person woop and lets hope she respects that. She's blind and it's kind of amazing, like she replied to my email from her iPhone and all I can think is "wow how did she do that?"

Shoot

Starting again

Right lets give this another go shall we?

I hereby promise to 1) blog every day

2) put some effort into it

3) carry on till new year

4)never speak of this August disaster again. Everyone needs a break sometimes though!

I'm glad to be back.

Long time no blog.

Oh shoot. I seem to have it written in 2 weeks. And I hate it, honestly I do. I came back from Lourdes which was one of the most wonderful weeks ever experienced. Then I prettymuchstraight away jetted off to Croatia with Abby, and forgot to blog inbetweeners/during. And the of course, thebreak has occurred and then this week I just haven't bothered. 

It's been half a year, and I've given in. 

FEAR NOT THOUGH, as I extend to post here a rundown of days missed, so the tally for August ends up being right. There is a lot of time until 2013 is over, and I most definitely want to record it!

Also I seem to have stopped writing sadly :( my last poem was written en route to Lourdes, a quite nice one actually! But nothing since then. I hate losing rhythm with these inks, but hopefully I'll be able to return! 

Momentary lapse, I will endeavour to get back onto the blogging boat.

Lourdes

WOAH ITS AUGUST

I'm still abroad

Yes i'm still at the same place

Is it sunny? I hope its sunny

Lourdes Smourdes

Meh. Hope we've had our day off soon. I feel tired just writing this.

S[ecial day in lourdes

MY BIRTHDAY TODAY OH YES 17

Still here

I don't even know by this point

Lourdes fun

Pilgrimmy timez oh ye

Lourdes

Chillin

Lourdes

On the journey travelling at the moment. Jeez. 27 hours is rough believe me.

Arriving in Lourdes

We've hopefully arrived safe! Unpacked, had musicans meeting, then a mass, then danced away. cool

Lourdes

Tomorrow I am embarking on a pilgrimage to Lourdes! Its a holy place, where I will be serving the sick and the elderly as a volunteer.

Thus I will not be able to post this week! I've queued posts, but they will have no content really sadly (i apologise)



See you when i get back!

Re-Ombred

I've got my hair re-ombred and i'm in love. It was starting to go abit brassy, but now its a much lighter blonde! Perfect for summer aswell!

I will post a nice picture when I have one (which may not be for a while yet....see next post for reasons)

It's a boy!

That is the headline in many a newspaper tomorrow! Kate Middleton has given birth to a son!

I do like the Royals, and feel proud to have a monarchy. The thing that annoyed me was the whole day there was news coverage. News coverage of what though? Just standing outside places not really owing anything it seemed!

Also today the blog for my coach who go on pilgrimage to Lourdes went live!

So far it has well over a hundred views....pretty good for a blog with only one post. I suppose it helps to be tweeted by our twitter account. I've put a lot of time into the posts, whereas this one is more just free flowing. Mainly because on the other blog I know others will see it, but mostly because I am representing the Liverpool Archdiocese and Coach 4 and so want to do my best!

This blogs still my favourite though...

Camping out

Sleeping on the trampoline tonight! Must be mad...

Had a lovely day at a golf course having a meal with my family to celebrate my Mum's 50th Birthday. It was lovely, though I could have done without my grandparents commenting on my appearance.

I went inside to talk to them (everyone was on the balcony admiring the view) and my Nana said "we don't like it. Next time wear some trousers with that dres...that TOP" - the cheek!

I personally think I looked quite hot.

Oh well. 

The ceiling can't hold usss

So I'm in y best mates bed whilst Shea and m other mate up are I th loft in two beds sleeping and yay this is good I'm in a very comfy bed. Too many big and little b,yes though!

I be had alice night out, but ye. Home now. Eaten some pizza OMG soooooo goooooood. Love it. 

I know I'm gonna need liquids tomorrow morning but there is none waaaaaah liquids are so good AHAHAHAHAH

Dwah.p

Gonna sleep. Byyyeeeeeeeee

Shopping today. Exited for Croatia times.

Adultery

I have to admit that I have cheated....on my blog.

It's not that I don't love you, I do honestly I do. It's not you it's me. It meant nothing to me I swear.

I kid of course.

I have designed a blog for my Coach of young people who are going to Lourdes next week for a lovely little pilgrimage. I suggested we should have a daily blog to show everyone back home what we're doing. 

I will of course link the site when it goes "live" or whatever on Monday. It's al set up, just need to start posting now!

Feeling faint

Today I learned the importance of hydration in warm weather.

Let me set the scene...a hot summers day. A cramped, sweaty church with a service for my old Primary Headteacher retiring this year. I ended up standing at the side as there was no seats, leaning against a wall trying to keep cool.

I remember thinking "how funny would it be if I keeled over. I wonder what would happen". Oh how I temped fate. Fate listened.

I remember putting my satchel on the floor because it suddenly felt very heavy, even though it was empty. I was leaning against the wall, and feeling a little too hot. It just got worse and worse. The church was so stuffy and I couldn't move about or sit down.

I thought to myself, "as soon as the congregation stands up or sings a hymn ill go get a drink of water." Sadly I didn't make it that far.

The edges of my eyes clouded black. I couldn't focus on anything in front of me, just the black spots dancing across my vision. That was when I fell sideways onto some woman stood next to me. Her and another woman grabbed me, and took me outside (I don't really remember. Apparently i was falling over my own feet, walking as if still in a dream.

As soon as I broke free into outside, into the wind and fresh air I felt better instantly. I sipped water and had my had between my knees and regained vision. And then another boy gasped out of the doors looking green. Told you it was hot! At least I wasn't the only one affected. So after he had water and got over it, we sat outside and talked whilst regaining health.

I've seen other people faint before, but never understood what it was like. The feeling of loosing control. Your mind goes into autopilot and your just pleading your body - hold on please hold on. Wen you start to fall there's a certain release. Succumbing against your will, but not being able to fight any longer. I think I just remember feeling scared most of all. Terrified that your going to hurt yourself or be an embarrassment. I don't WANT to faint. I didn't want to make a fuss at all. Bt sometimes these things just happen.

Right. A lesson to all. Water is important. Drink it during hot weather to avoid keeling over at bad moments.

16th July 2013

I'm kind of worried, about my self. And it's okay to be worried about yourself, and be aware of your own mind and feelings. At least then you can try to sort yourself out...in theory. However I am struggling.

Arguably I should be over the whole Jack episode. And I sorta think I am. At the very least I am happy, can look objectively at the past, and I don't feel sad, or that it was a mistake or that I would want to get back to that place. The past is definitely the past for a reason.

But I haven't felt as ok about myself as I'd like to. I am genuinely just turned off love. I got off with somebody whilst out and kinda hated it because it was all different and felt wierd. I rejected a perfectly nice, perfectly fit, available, cool boys impending lips. It was instantaneous, and something in me just told me no. I tried texting some nicey nice too nice boy but just got annoyed with the whole prospect. I woke up and fixed my phone, and two messages came up from two separate boys: one "hey you" from an old theatre buddy, and one "hey are you still up" from aforementioned annoying too nice boy. I have not replied to either, which seems kinda plain rude.

And it's stupid, because I should be fine by now. I am pretty sure that Jacks fine. Heck I bet he's already got another girl...after all he was texting me a few weeks after he broke up with his ex. 

When you break your arm you have this hard wall to protect yourself while it heals, but then once your fixed the cast comes off and your meant to be fine. But sometimes your arm just doesn't feel right and doesn't work just like it used to. This is how I feel. 

Honestly I'm scared. There I'll admit it. I'm scared of trying, I'm scared of getting hurt, I'm scared because everything went so right and was almost perfect until it went so wrong.

I'm scared of love as a whole, I mistrust it entirely. And even harmless flirtation or a bit of casual fun I run a mile, because I have this deep fear of everything falling apart and I'm barely keeping it together as it is.

On the way back

Right. I'm taking a stand against myself.

College finished, and I spent most of last week just lounging around and stuff, but I am NOT doing it anymore. I was st moping around feeling uninspired...anyways I am currently riding the red wave so that explains the mood swings, the excessive over eating, and the bursting out into tears listening to Tom Odell.

But th only way is up from here! (Which is always good)

10 days till Lourdes, 17 days till Croatia...excittiinnggg! Though I am not prepared n the slightest, oops!

I will start tomorrow....maybe.

Cba

Hey

I want to ride my bicycle I want to ride my bike

I am absolutely loving this new love I have for cycling!

Back when I was just a young nipper in Year 9 (aged about 13) I used to ride my bike to school, and get quite bullied because of this. Mostly due to the combination of being the only girl who rode, and wearing a massive pink shiny round mushroom like helmet. Not cool.

Now I have rediscovered it, all the bad memories have gone, and all that remains is the feeling when I ride; aside from "ow my legs hurt oh god can't breathe oh no uphill I'm knackered" I just feel free!

I am using my mums bike, which is a roadster meaning it doesn't cope well with grass, stoney country paths, or even kerbs! The seat is extra hard aswell, meaning my bum is a tad sore. I have also found a black,normal ish if slightly abot 90's helmet, until I can get a better one.

I'm just trying to build up stamina. Riding longer everyday, up bigger hills. Also I am finally attempting to ride on actual main roads, with traffic lights and everything (gasp) very safely of course! If I start learning to drive after my birthday, hopefully I'll start to understand giving way and junctions better.

I like t ride my bicycle I like to ride my bike...

I'll come back soon I promise

I don't even know why I'm so bad recently

Bad blogger bad blogger Bethy

Come on Eileen

Drunky Beth blogs yay ahahahah

URGH. I was fine at the party but I've got home and am suddenly abit .....fked.

Weh but had fun with trampoline times (me rubber burned knee teehee sounds rude ahah it's not) actually had a deepie with someone called Luke underneath the stars about like past loves ad stuff and it was nice coz it Was friendly bit he had abs and it was he really good and stuff ahahahah now we texting about stuff YAY FRIENDS

I fee I only drank to prevent s e random other boy from drinking like NO URLVEHQD ENOUGH VODKA PLEASE STOP LOL SEE ILL DRINK IT FOR YOU oooooops

Had a lovely party and Bcky like nearly died she she read the poem I wrote inside her writing book ahahah aw so cute actually had suck a good time and stuff YEYEYEYEY 

Weh

Phenom.

The sun is still out, along with my friends.

This dy has consisted of many great things. 

Slushes and floral gums lying on the grass in the park, pizza and ice cream from the cafe, many many many a basket-swing (or ponyad if your posh), and a cinema outing to watch Despicable Me 2 (omg brilliant) plus walking to and fro, chips, getting harassed by 12 year olds/WIERD chavy guys.

But all in all, it has been one of those days like a summer montage that you think only exists in cheesy American teen movies. But this is life. I hope this fun lasts for a long time...

Streetlight people

Two parties in two nights. My aren't I the popular gal.

Actually was just a proper lovely gathering. The friendship group is a nice mix of boys and girls, and I am friends with most of them...and after tonight possibly all.

I just think it restored my faith in boys again. Nice friendly lads DO exist, you just have to look in e right place. The whole atmosphere of friends was so healthy, compared to the previous night which was just lots of drunkeness, whereas tonight was more chilled out.

It's strange, because I feel vermin between. At the wild party though I drank and had fun, I didn't get off with anybody (even though there was plenty opportunity) because I just don't see the point of rubbish experiences for the sake of it. I am on the calmer side of that kind of gathering, but still enjoying funnels.

Maybe I am a little tipsy now actually. Probably just thinky tipsy. That happens a lot. 

Last night

This is one of those "morning after" blog posts.

Had quite a nice evening all in all.

Aw it was cute - such a summery party! Also I think I managed to contain my er dignity so all is good.

And is there a greater feeling than rejecting someone's impending face with a brisk tap of the chest, a "no you're alright" and a hasty exit? No there is not.

Lancaster Writing Awards (+ tea)

Cutting to the chase: I got second in a poetry competition! Had a nice day at Lancaster sixth form conference, as my first time visiting I found the staff to be enthusiastic, and the uni to be really nice. Extremely modern, with lovely grounds and everything but honestly it put me off applying because I just don't think a campus uni lifestyle is for me. I think I'd like a city more. I need buzz I need freedom!

Went into the city centre afterwards with my mum, found a cute little cafe, selling amazing tea. We then went to buy some of their tea, which they said "oh we have a help round the corner" and suddenly we were in a tea emporium and I was buying a bag of my favourite "Bouquet Royale". Now all I need is a teapot...

Very photo heavy today!

All in all I had a lovely day with my mum (and this picture isn't even fake honest) and it was brilliant to have my poetry recognised by writers! I am looking forward to buying books books and more books with my prize money! Also...my poem is on their website so I'm *technically* a published author, just saying. Historic day.

 

Slothin

I think the moment when your watching videos of baby sloths having haircuts, is the time you need to go to bed.

Wednesday 3rd July

Gee that's a lot of books to read

Waaa me tired

Book ideas

I have written the beginning of a story and I don't know if its any good and I don't the whole story yet or how it would work, but I think it has potential and I really want to persue it.

This is a reminder to go back to it and not give up.

Also tHat sometimes you can skip your last lesson and the sun can come out and you can have a coffee with your friends and they can put a fountain in the park and everything just seems better.

How about a kiss, Samusench?

Dead day. Eaten too much chocolate, wrote a poem about roses (the flower not the food, though from the previous point it wouldn't be a shock) and read a little more of the book thief which is of course brilliant. So inventive!

I read it so long ago I can't remember the end, and this makes me nervous indeed.

Tispy

Ii have had a fabbbyyyyy night.

Went to an Indian, and had a nice time with my dancing wpdriends, then went ou clubbing and has suuuuch a good time. Girls night out, went to all the old people bars I.. O ver 21 

and I got in. SCORE.

danced my heart away. Loved it. Woooooop.

Passion Fruit

Wigan is seeming very dull in comparison. However I escaped last lesson to go to Manchester with my friend for some nice shopping. Just bought a black polo neck crop top to go out in tomorrow, and some Barry M gelly nailpolish in Passion Fruit (yay orangey reddy corally nails yay)

I don't even think I can fully function today after yesterday's excitement. Infect I've just missed the Arctic Monkeys at Glastonbury because I fell asleep whilst reading. Darn.

Bopping to Oxford

It was so beautiful. Just every street seemed paved with academic brilliance, tradition and history. Was it the two professors walking down the street in capes with streamers and glitter littering their shoulders? Or perhaps the vandalism of poetry written on the toilet door. The casual flick of the hand with a "the guy that invented the Internet - this is his room. We don't use it anymore. Bad wifi (ironically)".

Despite a lovely day out full of early train rides and LOTS of asking through the picturesque city, I actually learned a lot. The English faculty were inspiring, and it is most definitely the course for me. Just the sheer amount of detail into two lines of a poem during one 20 minute session was massive, plus so interesting. Basically listening to celebrity gossip from the 1800's! Most helpful was probably the general English at oxford talk. I thought tutorials sounded scary, but actually it cleadly is a superior teaching method. You come to oxford for that specialised way of producing genius'.

The admissions talk was also very informative. Lots of notes were taken! I know I have to do massive amounts of reading over summer, but thebility to choose means I can find things that interest me personally! Plus the sheer motivation to get into the place is driving me.

After all the nice English things, and a bit of lunch hidden on some unassuming steps, we proceeded to look round colleges. We only got to around 4/5 in the end before going home.

Thoughts

*omg look at these nice buildings omg gargoyle

*is that a tapestry? THAT'S A FULL ON TAPESTRY

*omg they filmed Harry potter here COOL

*ew these rooms are a little dingy

*nice lawn. What no walking on it? Come on!?!?

*urgh.steps more steps stone steps wooden steps 

There are some very quirky things I have seen including: Percy, the Univ college tortoise; people playing croquet; boars heads on walls. Honestly it doesn't seem all that crazy. The language they use however just seems...a lot to learn. Everything is shortened or initialed or has an oxford er on the end. However I'm sure I will be having a bop with the other JCR's after hall during Michaelmas...see it's like a foreign language!

Despite its strange ways and small draw backs, ultimately it is the best college in the country. And I am definitely going to try for it. I think I'd regret it not too! So I have to hope my results live up to expectation, plus a lot of extra work this summer and next year, and hopefully I can apply! I don't really expect to be successful, but the whole experience is wonderful anyway. Just to even have the possibility to to be part of that thriving city is enough to try.

Oxford

Guess where I am going tomorrow...

Deleted

I typed out a massive post about being scared about uni and the future, but it got deleted. I feel this is a sign I should just delete all my efforts in life. We're all inconsequential anyway....

24th June 2013

Oh dear. 

Meh.

I will look back on this time period as "that time when I went to bed too late and felt ill a lot and didnt put much effort into life" and that's a really sad thing.

SHOWS OVER YEY

Dead.

Too. Many. Quick. Changes.

Public humiliation

I feel d that the dancing show went terribly, and I can't quite examine it because I may cry again.

Tomorrow will be better.

I am a poet.

We had a session in college with a poet, who says the first step to becoming serious, is to actually call yourself a poet.

I guess I am a poet then...

Simmer down and pucker up

*eargasm*

Free writing flow

Sometimes

It all just gets too much

Ad you find yourself 

Lying in bed

Writing tear stained poetry 

When the world is hiding

Pebbles in your pockets

That you feel all at once.

One for inadequacy.

One for the happiness

You had then lost

One for the future

(The biggest stone of all) 

Detachment

To be detached.

Be detached from ones self.

To separate 

That changed face 

From half eaten 

Love songs

And jigsaw

pieces lying 

Inert.

To Ignore the

Familiarity of

Those eyes

With misty wars 

behind them

Those hands

With lines as deep

As rivers

Running their

course

To try

And forget

Butterflys 

Whipping through

Arteries

To remember 

Empty words

To realise

The difference 

Between past

And present

Is change

Do we start just how we end?

As strangers

Studying every feature

Looking for hints

One clue to

Who you are

Or who you became.

Sometimes it's good to just write stuff out and see what's going on inside.

Stitch

I have spent today sewing countless name labels into costumes.

Is going to be a busy week!

I need to...

Stop blogging when I'm dead in bed.

The future

I tank I've just had my first panic in a good while about that oh so scary prospect of the future.

General worries:

English could be considered a pointless degree

Doing Enlish Lieratue and Creative Writing is fine, but only some uni's offer it.

Do I even like English and education? Can I not just watch tv and drink tea (see previous entry) for the rest of my miserable dys.

We're significant in the universe anyway, so hats the point?

The places I want to go seem to require AAA. I think I've forgotten that by taking maths I have to try to get an A. Why did I pick such stupid subjects!?!

My worst fear is dropping out of uni.

M second worst feat is making the wrong decision and having to live with it.

These decisions impact on my whole life and career.

Is it right to follow my writer dreams, instead of making decisions based on money and job availability?

I may have already screwed up these exams so who knows?

I  am so panic prone. I suddenly feel the weight of all these choices pressing hard upon my shoulders, so hard that I cannot stand up and balance all the weights, so they're just keeping me down.

How to make tea (the fruity kind)

You will need:

A nice mug, preferably massive, outer unimportant (it's what's on the inside that counts)

Hot water. H2O. Boil in a kettle.

A tea bag in a nice flavour (give it a good whiff) I enjoy peppermint, and raspberry. Go to tescos!

A teaspoon, because stirring with your fingers should be treated with caution.

Sugar, optional. I find it unnecessary. Embrace the bitterness!

1) Put tea bag and hot water into mug (order due to personal choice)

2) Leave to infuse for a good ten minutes, also cools in this time.

3) Occasionally prod with your spoon when you get bored. This does nothing. Proceed anyway.

4) forget you even made tea 

5) suddenly remember. It will be strong, and cooled by this point.

6) drink. 

7) nom tea.

When people have no respect for something you love, but intrude on it anyway

Ergh

Distances

We are the distances between us.

3.78 metres

3 seats across, one seat down.

6.5 miles

10 minute train, turn right at the pub

1.05 metres

Under the table feet hover. Apprehensive.

29 centimetres

Hand on gear stick, knees cross, move closer.

14 centimetres

Awkward air and wide expanse of duvet.

2.3 centimetres

Parted lips pre pounce. Deep breath.

35 kilometres

Voice to radio wave to signal tower. Reflected.

15.6 metres

Far away eyes pretending, avert. 

I've written about 6 poems/ideas for poems today, which is the most in a long time. This is the only idea I really like, because its just a bit different. Maybe it's the maths student in me but I just love using numbers!

Also I don't think my vocabulary is good enough, there was a time when I had a mini book of words, so whenever I heard/read an interesting word, I'd write it down and find its definition. I am going to start doing that again (along with reading many many more books hopefully) now that I have time! Sweet blessed time! Such an alien concept to grasp.

Sadly I just seem to be napping all the time. College is exhausting.

Col

I'm glad to be back.

Tough I am not glad i have the constant threat of awkward encounters hanging over me like a bad smell. I have dived into toilets and ran past doors. Hate it.

But maybe if I avoid the issue forever then it'll go away right?

Right?

Blurred lines

I had such a lovely time out last night (or this morning I should say). Never had so much fun!

It was wierd coming out of a club and seeing that it was still light outside, because everything is clearer in the light, and reality can sometimes be quite scary. We went home pretty much after that - all I can say is thank god for black out blinds!

Today has been hard (my throats is not dissimilar to a rusty pipe) and all through the 4 hour dancing rehearsel I kept feeling sick ahah oooops. It is hard running on only 2/3 hours sleep! 

Out

Going out going out going outgoing out

Hope I get home okay and have fun and get in and stuff.

I loooooveeee you. Honestly. I really do.

Ly.

A foreign hand 

On my territory

Wandering

Foreign lips 

Exploring touges

Meeting

It's not the same

Up iin my lovely room

Dreaming of you

Dreaming dreaming

Dime liar place 

Of what ifs

And what could hav beens

A subtle hello, a dance

No thanks

Your the wrong one

It should have been him

It should have been me.

Lethargy

Kind of ironic that now I finally have all the time in the world to blog, I simply cannot be bothered.

I blame the heat.

BBQ's and sunshine

Today I went to a friends for a nice relaxing BBQ. We've all finished our exams now, so are taking advantage of the beautiful weather and time before we go back to college next week.

Life without the constant stess of exams is wonderful.

Hiatus over

EXAMS ARE OVER AND AS OF THIS POINT MY LIFE BEGINS AGAIN

I am excited to:

Get emotionally involved in new tv series'

Paint my nails

Read books. Lotsa 'em.

Go out with friends

Write write write WRITE 

And start blogging properly again (I will do I promise)

Physics

Last exam tomorrow.

Weh.

Yo

Lourdes 2013

At the end of July, I will be going on pilgrimage to Lourdes as a Youth Carer for the week. We've had a meetin and a mass today and I am extremely excited. Just singing some of the fun hymns and already I'm buzzing! We received our trademark uniform of yellow polo shirts (though I already own 7) and preparations are nearly complete!

I think I mostly excited to be going with such lovely people i.e. my best friend who I'm sharing a room with, and my close friend from pantomime days is also coming which will be so fun! I'm just generally looking forward to the whole experience.

Only 53 days to go...

Today

Dancingworkfundraisingchurchteabreakrevisionsleep

Woo

Enjoy a nice posey pic just cos.

Proposed social activities

The prospect of going out next Saturday has made me ten times happier, and if I can just get through Physics on Wesnesday then I will be a-ok.

Exciting...

The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

(I will post review tomorrow I am too tired right now to write coherently GOODNIGHT)

Oi you - yes you! Hey come read this...

I have had a lovely day doing less than lovely things.

A full 6 hours at the local library making Physics question cards was made better by M&S salads and company making usually lonely revision quite nice plus I wasn't alone to get harassed by mystery scouse men with plastic bags asking for tissues to clean up his spilled soup. Brilliant. My town is full of some colourful characters...

At least it was a productive day!

Hello there my little reader...

Also today this blog hit 3000 views! So to whoever is reading this THANKYOU very much! I don't know whether you are regular viewers, or you just randomly happen to have dropped in via google, but I feel I should say HI anyway. I'd love any comments about who you are, where your reading from, what kind of posts you enjoy reading, how I could make the blog better, your ice-cream flavour of choice or whatever! Don't be afraid to say hello!

As always, keep smiling :)

Getting abreast of the situation

The fact that all I've done today is knit a hat originally for my friends unborn baby (when born of course) but its ended up big enough to fit an adult (kinda) and looking like a boob.

I sometimes worry about my life direction.

I also worry about my sanity a lot too.

As long as I got my suit and tie

When in doubt do a nail of the day.

(I.e. I have too much spare time on my hands)

(On my hands)

(Geddit?)

(Nail related humour is a new low)

(It's not even cute[icle])

(Off to [nail] bed for me)

S.O.L.O. (I'm feeling like a star you can't stop my shine)

HOORAY the sun has appeared. It will not last, but I'm certainly enjoying it.

I just think I feel happier in the sunshine.

On my lunch break from work I bought an M&S Roast Chicken Salad Sandwich (I.e. the sandwich of kings) and sat on some grass outside the Library watching children play and listening to the sounds of street performers. My hat even had a picnic appropriate hat thingy. Aw.

Then I had a lovely evening with my friends soaking up the last of the sun, drinking pimms and having a good ole natter. I really do miss not seeing them everyday in college. They're like my second family.

Time is a great healer, but so is friends, alcohol, music but mostly sunshine. 

Vintage rose nails

I really like my nails today. Greeny colour (OPI Mermaids Tears) with cath kidston esq roses on the fourth finger. I used a mixture of revlon nail polishes for the detail (Peach Petal as the base, Temptress for the base splodge of the flower, then Fushia Fever for the lines of he petals applied using a nail brush from Avon for £1.50 which has revolutionised my life. Then used the green from my other nails to make the leaves.

Sometimes you've just got to have a chill, come home after an exam, watchThe Breakfast Club and spent a long time painting your nails just because you can.

Come on little sunflower, you can do it!

When my sister was very young, for her birthday she received a pack to grow sunflowers. It instructed to water every day, and say the words...

"Come on little sunflower you can do it!"

And the sunflowers grew well and tall.

And now whenever I'm finding something difficult or am going out to try something I.e. an exam, my sister says this to me, or writes it down to take with me.

There's no shame in saying it to yourself sometimes, because acknowledging that you are small, but are determined and WILL do it, sometimes is all you need to succeed.

Come on little Blog reader, you can do it!

(It being whatever it is you are anxious about doing in life. Never fear. Grow tall like a sunflower)

N.B. 'Bethoy' is her pet name for me, though I do not remember where it came from now, nor do I suppose it matters.

Not good...but better

Today has been better, just like I hoped it would be.

Not good but better.

I almost forgot to blog tonight, guess my minds...elsewhere ah how funny.

I'm just going to torture myself by reading back old messages, and seeing all the flaws. Whoop.

And then, as my 2 days of moping are over, I am going to get up with a massive smile on my face, and start living.

The worst day

Disclaimer: i am going through heartbreak and this post contains the burtal words of a heartbroken girl who just needs to vent. Feel free to not read this essay of woe. Go read some of my other posts from a f weeks ago, even a few days ago back when I was happy and life made sense.

In general, looking over my life as a whole, I've been quite happy. I've not had many traumas, nothing that made me that unhappy. There has been ups and downs. Bad periods. Awful days.

But I can honestly say that today has been the worst day of my existence thus far.

I woke up at 4:53 and it suddenly hit me. I found myself crying whilst furiously scribbling in my poetry book. I read some of The Fault In Our Stars, then eventually went to sleep.

This morning I woke up and remembered, which was obviously horrible. I think I only actually started sobbing though when I'd had a shower. I realised that its over. There. I've said it. It's over. I still can't quite believe it. I realised that I will never talk to him again. Never hug him. Never kiss him. Most I'll miss just the conversations we had. And I realised the only thing that would make me feel better would be to be in his arms and talk to him about it, but that is the very thing I am not allowed to do. And will never do again. I'm sobbing by this point holding my knees.

This has recurred throughout the day. At times such as;my mum smiling at me when I ate my lunch; listening to Biblical by Biffy Clyro because it just said everything I feel; curled up on my beanbag hiding from my mum and dad, because I couldn't face them; when a friend said "one day you won't get that  feeling in your stomach when you remember the last words he said to you" that set me off. It's been a tough day.

There has been highlights. One was watching a mike falzone video (http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bMhfyH9fhzk) which changed my outlook slightly, another watching a video of a boy that had died from cancer, who wrote songs and spread joy to everyone, but I just can't be happy right now. Also my lovely friend turning up at my door with a massive cake which is really yummy helped. Eating your sorrows for the win!

I feel more levelled out now. I'm still pretty messed up, and I certainly haven't revised for my English exam on Friday, which is extremely worrying. I just couldn't write for the tears. Soz.

Now I am just extremely glad that said boy doesn't know how to find this blog, unless he has remember my Tumblr name that I told him months ago, and found it through there, but if that's the case then it would mean he would have to care a certain degree, which I do not think he does at all.

Now I am going to leave you with something I typed into my notes last night, which probably explains my true feelings best. It is everything I wish I could say to him but I can't.

It's sunk in and it's real now. I am not happy with this. You quit. You just quit because you felt off. We didn't give it a good go. Obviously it felt odd. The general idea is we're meant to spend time together, but exams and revision got in the way of that.7 months of getting to know each other, becoming close, and after a month and a half you've given up. You don't want this anymore. We'd barely even started. It seems a waste of a year, to just give it up. Lets be realistic. I don't just want to be friends. I don't want a backward step. I was quite enjoying life, until you took things too far then decided you didn't feel ready, stopped replying to texts and drove me to the brink with worry. THEYOU BROKE UP WITH ME VIA TEXT DURING EXAM WEEK like what are you trying to do? Not on,y do I have to deal without  you, I also have a fucking English exam. Great. Thank you. I am angry because your head is messed up, because you changed your mind, because I fucking liked you but you dismissed our relationship like it wasn't a big deal. Well it was to me and don't you dare say it wasn't to you. On the pre-emptie break up before we got together,you did that too. "Bet £200 your over it within a month" er no. You came crawling back and I forgave. I wonder whether this time you will? I'd hope you would, but I don't think I can deal with anymore if your mind changes. I didn't say any of this on the phone. What good would it have done?

If this is the worst day, then tomorrow has to be better. It just has to be.

"It's not you it's me"

Perhaps this is true.

But it's me who is crying in bed now, because you decided you've had enough.

It's me who received a text (the first in a while - I should have known) that broke my heart.

It's me who had to call. To question.

It's me who tore down the train ticket and ripped it in two. 

It's me who ate my own weight in raspberry ripple ice-cream.

It's me who's gone from shocked to confused to wierd to sad to break down to fuck it to hate to anger to sadness again to crying to feeling empty.

I can't form explanations, points, or meaning.

I'm going to go to bed.

See if I can sleep, and not over think everything. Every moment. How could I have saved us?

You've jumped ship before I even thought we were sinking. We hadn't even gotten out of the dock.

And now I'm drowning.

That's a crap metaphor.

You've broken me.

I have kept them all

1. The train ticket.

A bridge between worlds

Orange and green £2.90

Return

2. The CD packet

Track names scrawled hastily

Makeshift from lined paper

It did the job

3. The book

Red bound, yellowing pages

99 years old, from a country

3000 miles away

4. The memory

Stubble brushing up against

Blank pages of skin

Exploring lips

Coz it's you, oooooh it's always you

Watched the New Girl finale for the second time tonight (cough spoiler warning cough) and it just makes me really happy. Just the calling it off then the calling it on (reminiscent of personal experiences actually...) and then the vaccines playing in the background as they drive off to the future and season 3. Brilliant.

Some tv show couples really annoy me, but I can't possibly feel jealous of nick and Jess. Well I don't feel envy. Them being happy just makes me happy, as i feel like its my friends that should obviously be together, and i've watched them for ages. I do however wish that I could be kissed by Nick Miller, simply because he looks like a fantastic kisser. Ooft.

Oh my we are charged* tonight.

*Charged -(verb) a nicer way to say you are sexually frustrated/horny I.e. your tolerance battery is full and must be discharged. "I need a boy to relieve my chargedness"

Thoughts on The Great Gatsby

*Firstly oh my gosh yes I am so glad this exists

*Leo you beauty

*Nick Carraway wins the award for Gooseberry of the century

*they really played up the symbolic nature of the book. Though I wonder what you may think if you hadn't read the book/realised the images "er what's this green light"

*It makes me laugh that the audience was comprised of about 88% couples. So many dragged along boyfriends...

*I really hate book Daisy, but film Daisy, whilst still arguably unlike able, I understand her motives. I understand why she acts the way she does.

*old sport

*i put far too much make up on when going to a place and sitting in the dark

*well done for including direct quotes from the book.

*is it sad I know some of them off by heart? (yes)

*The music was amazing. I didn't quite know how rap and the 1920's would work, but it somehow did.

*Rhapsody in blue is my favourite orchestral piece and I loved that it was incorporated. Gotta love some Gershwin.

*I want to go to a Gatsby party  

*Long films make my butt hurt.

*Its not often that films live up to the books, but this most definitely did.

PARTY AT GATSBY'S. I cannot selfie. So what...shoot me! (teehee the irony)

Coaster

Is it not enough to say I love you? Is it not enough that I won't remember any of the words I'm saying now when morning breaks? You smiled at me. Your tooth is chipped (on a slide you told me once) I like your crooked teeth and your crooked smile and your blue eyes that are water rings from glasses of water staining your table no matter how many times you tell me to use a coaster. I always forget. You are a coaster kind of person. You are a tapper. A finger rhythm maker. I think I found it annoying on the first day but by the second I was used to hearing the steady beating heart of your soul. I like it when I am the drum. I like it when to say goodbye you punch me with a light fist on the shoulder. It means more than a kiss. It's awkward and silly and it just fits (we aren't the kind of people that publicly bare all) and that's good. Nobody else needs to understand our complexities. Our routines. Leg sandwiches. Head on head on shoulder. Is it bad sometimes I just smell you because it calms me down? You are safety you are warmth you are blanket. Soft folds of white cotton. Nest. When we hold hands it's wierd you are so tall but I am small with long limbs and we're twisted but we laugh and say it spoils it all but ivy wraps around the house, weaves itself around drainpipes. I can do that. The disappointment when I don't know what you're playing on guitar but you don't read like I do. We are different, mighty different. Different patches of the same quilt. I miss you now we're both busy but summer is on its way so till then I'll keep all this inside but know even when you're not with me, you always are.

I woke up and wrote this in darkness. I didn't think about it. I did not remember what I had written in the morning. Looking back there are small errors, and things I would change, but I have chosen to present it as my groggy semi-concious brain thought best.

A hearty feminist blog

Cat-calls. There is absolutely no doubt that every girl has experienced street harassment. Heck it's daily basis if you tend to walk by yourself and you are female. You can either go for the angry approach  and yell whilst you give them the finger, or you look at the ground, ignore and feel embarrassed. Personally I go for the latter option, but wish I reacted better.

Now the sad thing is, I am pretty much used to being objectified by complete strangers who are usually young groups of men, who I don't know and thus I can dismiss as simply scumbags to be ignored. But that was until I got objectified by a friend, but only realised later on.

The boy in question goes to my college, and is one of my boyfriends mates. Sitting in the canteen somebody says "Ewan said you have a nice bum yesterday". What am I meant to reply? Thankyou for staring at my bum as I walk away. Brilliant. I am glad that my body is of service to you sir? 

It then went on to "yeah me and Jack [i.e. the boyf] were debating it". Oh well that's even better! Now I am a subject for discussion? Pick a side - team Beth's arse is great vs team I've seen better?

The horrible thing is that I'm meant to a accept this as a complement. I'm meant to be pleased to be found attractive, and the object of discussion.

Then it's starts to dawn on me. I was wearing a pair of blue velvet corduroy leggings. Then I think is this my fault? My pants could be passed as tight, and my top didn't come down over my bum. When I got dressed that morning, all I thought about was making use of feel comfortable so I could concentrate in my maths a-level exam, not about how I would be seen by other people.

 

Now the main perpetrator here didn't see anything wrong with commenting on how I looked, and everybody just found it funny. Well I didn't. Now I feel self-conscious. Should I wear these leggings in college again? Should I start taking the long way round instead of walking past the long canteen tables?

I refuse to change how I want to dress and act just to stop the horny eyes of all of these hormonal teenage boys that aren't getting enough female attention so resort to crude comments and cat-calls.

Talk about the many complexities of my peachy arse all you want, just don't make me listen.

Ly ❤

I am eternally grateful that whateverstressesoccur in life, I have some friends I love conditionally, like family. How lovely is that. Like these people you don't HAVE to put up with, your not family so your not forced. But you love them anyway, and its the least stressful kind of love. No OMG why isn't she texting me back....because you know them so well that nothing's calculated.

I suppose the aim in life is to find a boyfriend like this, but the relwtionships I have with my friends is pretty hard to beat.

Bouncing back up

I think I need a good, hearty vent. So here goes...

I don't quite know how to describe my maths exam today. 

The clatter of Calculator cases cast to the floor, the safety blanket gone; along with their hope

Most of the questions were surprisingly fine, apart from an absolute killer 2 or 3, to which there is honestly no hope. The kind of questions where you can re-arrange those logs to your hearts content but nothing is coming out of it. I felt quite calm on the plus side! Gone is the Beth who would sit in the corner of a classroom under a shelf frantically going through revision cards like a daemon. Proves that you do grow up!

Sadly I rather liked Core 2, but on Friday I have Stats 1 which is well...awful. And I have no motivation at the minute what so ever. I got up to Q4 of my first attempted past paper then gave up, out of sheer boredom. I really should start revising. Oh well. Tomorrow is another day.

After the dreaded aforementioned statistics paper, I then only have English Language on the 24th and Physics on the 5th of June. I go I study leave at the end of this week, so hopefully should have lots of time for these exams.

The 5th of June I.e. freedom is 23 days away (and counting). I honestly don't know how much longer I can take it. The exams I can deal with, the stress/depression/lack of social activitys/absense of laughter/hours upon hours spent in one position however, I cannot deal with. No. I miss my friends. I miss my boyfriend. So much. Even spending limited time with them seems strained, as I feel guilty I'm not revising/for distracting others, plus everyone's so stressed that we're all snapping at each other.

The summer cannot come soon enough.

However I did go outside, and bounce on the trampoline. I remember what it was like for the sun to be out and to feel young again, removed from the harsh reality of college life. I just bounced for a bit, and felt that tiniest bit happier because of it.

I am aware that's not the most flattering of angles, but it accurately conveys how I feel. Slightly scared, hysterical, falling...but bouncing back up.

My new blogger app lets me type in italics which is BRILLIANT as I enjoy little post-script messages akin to a certain blogger and good friend of mine, found at https://wallawoo.wordpress.com/ who you should take a look at if you have time and especially if you like poetry - which I really do but if you don't maybe go take a look anyway? Muchas Gracias 😊

1/2absinC

I'm not even nervous for this exam I'm just exhausted and am sick of reading "the nth term of a sequence is Un"

Well WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS IT EVER GOING TO BE?

Right. 

Positive thinking needed.

Dealing

I crave to read more books and absorb more vocabulary but alas, it is just under a month until I am free. When I can read/ have fun/ go places/ see people I miss / watch films / do whatever the heck I ease without the rain cloud of exams hanging over my head, soaking me to the core.

I can't deal.

Actually...no. I can deal. I will not shutdown. I can deal.

Who am I kidding. I actually can not deal.

Writing/schmiting

Is this great perk
That we all crave?
When two people
subconciously spark
And find, they
Have become a slave
to "love".

For when Your tired
mind is full of
smokey stress that
Poisons tongues
With spite and what
Begins a joke ends in
A fight.

All could be cured
by clutching to extract
The ash. Instead
We'll stay apart so
Fire doesn't spread
Between already burnt
out hearts.

Fire + fire may make more flames
But our tears would put them out.

Let it be over

Today I felt depressed for about 2 hours, but then I cured myself with a packet of rolos.

I hate exams. They're getting to me. They're getting to us all.

The stress is slowly knawing away at my conciousness; all I know and love and the way I usually think. The detritus falls underneath my eyes filling deep purple bags to the brim.

Let me sleep let me stop let me not worry let it be over.

Blogging<revision

Blogging stops during exam season.

Sadly revision isn't going so well either.

"You have to kiss a lot of frogs until you find your prince"

6 days...

Is this what revision panic feels like?

One week till maths ohmygodohmygodohmygod

Right. I can't afford to procrastinate now.

Oohhhmmmmyyyygggooooodddddddddd

Last night (she said...)

Nice party last night. And by nice I mean veeerrrryyy crazy. My god.

By the end I really hated it. Just seeing people drunk is horrible sometimes when it's out of control. I didn't like feeling helpless. Like my brain was functioning and I the early hours I was quite sober, but I couldn't stop the madness around me and that was a little scary.

It was lovely in the beginning though, mostly just getting ready with my friends listening to nice music and talking and laughing and such.

Here is a nice posey pic but I have anxiety against displaying it on any other social medias because I feel vain I.e. HI LOOK AT ME AREN'T I FIT which I don't even think at all. How I wish I was confident in this way! Yes I can approach nearly any person I a situation and talk to them, even strangers and not feel awkward or self aware at all...but posting a serious photo of myself on facebook? The horror!

Anyways skirt and top are Topshop buys. Shoes and watch from urban outfitters and earrings from H&M. I really love the skirt it is so fun to wear and I can't wait to create outfits around it! Especially little tucked in jumpers, and cute patterned tops. Aaah clothes. They make me far too happy.

Brb

Out partying.

Meh

Forgotten how fun it is to go to town with your friends to shop and eat. The subway staff couldn't believe that I have actual living breathing friends. Bet I get a comment tomorrow...

I really wish I didn't have this relationship with my local subway staff. We Are just far too familiar.

Sunshine

I really love sunny days, when you don't need to wear a jacket and you can wear summery pants and get your ankles out. When you can go on a drive with the windows down and the music blaring out. And you can laugh and just feel happy to be young and free.

Sun seems to melt away the worries of exams.

#nameproblems

1) Beth rhymes with death. 'Nuff said.
2) My real name is Elizabeth, and I can't tell you how many forms/exam papers I've filled in, and had to cross out my name. Great. Look like an idiot. Thanks mum and dad.
3) Eery single new teacher calling the register, I have to say "sorry it's Beth not Elizabeth". They never remember.
4) My middle name Anne is fine - Elizabeth Anne. But as I go by Beth, its Beth Anne, like Bethan. I have such name identity issues.
5) In the doctors when they call "Elizabeth Hurst" I honestly don't realise they mean me, so I look slow.


I suppose it could be worse. It could be a lot worse. Still I wish I was a real Beth. Or called something interesting, like Lola. I'd love to be a Lola.

N.A.P.

I don't like the fact I am starting to be known as "the one who naps" (she says grumpily waking up from one)

Charged

2% battery is restricting the length of this tonight.

Good Sundays

There is truly nothing better than retail therapy, nice new clothes, and new pretty bras.

What even is "cool"?

What is cool? I know what I believe is the definition of a cool girl: a tea drinker with a unique music taste of old classic and modern day indie, who buys all her expensive clothes from urban outfitters and Topshop. Who can do perfect winged eyeliner, and has a zooey deschanel/ audrey hepburn fringe (obviously) and who loves any films that her fringe idols are in. Who gets good grades and likes on Instagram and doesn't stress out about tweeting. Who has some artsy goal in life to be a journalist or something, and can bake and reads intelligent books and never has bad outfit/hair days at college.

In short all I feel I want to be and maybe in some respects could be if I had the confidence/money/hair without a stupid kink that prevents fringes/appreciation of tea/steady hand it sadly I just don't.

And I feel so inadequate all the time. Which is bad because I'm generally quite a positive person about myself, because not seeing yourself for who you are is one of the worst things. Ad I always think- what if someone looks up to me as somebody with a perfect everything and wishes she was me, just as I look at other people and wish the same.

But when your breaking out and have rubbish clothes on and have eaten your entire weight in curly aniseed rock and feel tired and rubbish, sometimes it's hard to love yourself.

Is it just me that feels this way constantly? Maybe somebody is reading this who understands this insecurity. Who feels painfully normal and hates it. (If so a comment telling me you're here would be nice. Maybe we can start a "lets accept ourselves because we're awesome" club.)

I just wish that I didn't care about what other people think, and I could just be happy being little old me. But I can't.

I just don't feel cool at all.

Happenings across the pond

Just had a conversation on Facebook with my American cousin, Avery. Just a general catch up. We see things happening in each others life and tend to ask questions about this I.e. WOAH AS IF YOU WENT THERE! or OOOH WHO'S THE GIRL IN THAT PICTURE SHE'S PRETTY or AS IF YOU DID THAT.

We talked about his prom. He took a girl "who is widely regarded as the prettiest girl in the school" even though she's not really interested in guys at the school, they still went as friends, but he is hailed as a legend for this.

My god American schools are so different to English schools.

It is still my dream to go over there while I'm still young, and go to American high school. It would be fascinating! I'd love to be the kooky british exchange student. I would play on this, and make my accent more English and say things like "jolly good old fellow" and drink tea and be dead attractive because of this. Everybody loves a mysterious foreigner...

It's back

My motivation is back, and back with a vengeance.

You may assume I mean my motivation to do work. That is laughable and of course untrue.

I feel very into writing all of a sudden. A lovely girl came in to see us yesterday (us being the avid writers at our college) who is a poet, studying for her MD in creative writing. We did writing exercises and she read our work and we could ask questions and it was generally just insightful. Is not often you see a "proper" poet in the flesh.

We read a unconscious thought poem by her friend about a schizophrenic man walking through a deprived area, and she encouraged us to do a continuous thought poem. I really like how mine turned out, but I'm keeping it to myself for a while as I work on it and turn it into something worth reading.

I did look back over some scribbles from half term, and there is some nice useable ideas.

Here is one I'm partial to:

Forehead kisses
(But not the good kind)
The this is as far as it goes kind
The feels like tiny lovely stabs kind
The I am so sorry this is my fault kind
The I'll just hold you even though this is the problem kind
The this is it kind


The I think this has to end kind.


Not bad. I reckon it needs some description. Something about stubble. Who knows? Only a first draft after all.

What's important is that I feel positive about the future and that really is a good thing.

I do what I want

Lovely readers (whoever you are) this is Jack, a.k.a. The boyf.

And we both look lovely.

That is all.

Grandads girlfriends

Tonight no revision has been done (is there ever any done though to be fair?) as I visited my grandparents. I feel it's my duty as a good grandchild to visit when given the opportunity, because it makes them happy.

But god they're difficult. It's the backhanded insults I can't quite deal with. E.g. "I have a the same cardigan as you Beth" or "well I never had spots when I was young I don't know what happened with you" or "are those men's shoes" or "now you mention it you have out a bit of weight on your face" or ...well you get the picture. It's not said nastily...I hope...but these are the people who really shouldn't make me feel bad. They have no tact at all.

I do enjoy hearing stories from the past though. My favourite of the night was;
Me: How many girlfriends did you have Grandad?
Grandad: what do you mean, in my lifetime or just in one night?
Me: WHAT? GRANDAD?!?

Apparently he was a good dancer, and had good hair and teeth, so he was pretty much a catch. I like to think that my Grandad was a hottie.

And no matter how many girls you may dance with, you still settle down and go old eventually. It's the only thing that's certain really. Even players grow up eventually.

Hear hear

Good headphones are revolutionary. I hadn't before heard music properly until the boyf forced a pair onto me (forced sounds quite violent it was actually a nice gesture) and now I'm not looking back.

Just listening to Old Pine and hearing how the guitar part is split. Realising the true majesty of The Black Keys drum beats. Even face timing a friend seemed ten times closer as the sound was so crispy and clear.

If you are still using those tiny atrocities known as ear buds, I strongly recommend that you go get some full on headphones. Even a cheap pair.

Your life will be greatly improved no doubt.

Reflection

I've just read over quite a few of my older blogposts from a few months ago. My posts were longer, more coherent, and frankly far more interesting. Nowadays they seem to be rushed, short, and I don't feel as inspired as I used to. This is true of recent poetry; I have ideas but never write them down.

I can always tell when I'm not putting effort in, as none of my blogs have photographs attached. I'm sure the rule is never post a picture less blog, as its boring. Well whatever, this is boring. I am boring. Life is sometimes boring, but then it usually gets exciting. Then boring again. Deal with it.

We can play the blame game (as I often do) but honestly I just don't feel very engaged with life at the moment. I think everybody goes through these phases though. I'm not really working to hard, just having fun and coasting by.

This changes as of tomorrow.

Exams are less than a month away, so they are priority of course. I am devoting every single free to some kind of revision, and I fully intend to stick to schedule. I've even bought revision cards, and my new lock screen/background is my revision timetable. Now is that dedication or is that dedication?

I really do need to get my life sorted, and start getting more out of life.

I realise this sounds like I'm at a low point, which is NOT true, as I am perfectly happy. Joyous infact. I just need to stop spending as much time in my bed watching Game Of Thrones and scrolling down Tumblr as I currently do.

Life will improve tremendously if I stop doing this I feel.

Who needs a title anyway?

When you've spent your night sewing ballet shoes, and everyone else seems to be at parties or out getting drunk.

I am watching Game Of Thrones.

Early night for me I think.

Woo.

Eyelids

Falling asleep finally in my own bed. Sadly cold and alone.

eyelids. Won't. Stay. Open.

New Pointe shoes

The smell, the feel, the beauty of a pair of brand new pointe shoes. So Full of promise, they're inspiring. I look at my old pair; grubby, ripped, threads loose, bottoms scuffed. I prefer the new ones obviously. Bu to just have to let go of the good times had because the shoe is old and ugly now.

But then you try dancing in the new ones and they hurt like a dull moany fire on the sides of your feet, and you realise that the prettiest is the centre of all evil.

#dancerprobz