Arguably I should be over the whole Jack episode. And I sorta think I am. At the very least I am happy, can look objectively at the past, and I don't feel sad, or that it was a mistake or that I would want to get back to that place. The past is definitely the past for a reason.
But I haven't felt as ok about myself as I'd like to. I am genuinely just turned off love. I got off with somebody whilst out and kinda hated it because it was all different and felt wierd. I rejected a perfectly nice, perfectly fit, available, cool boys impending lips. It was instantaneous, and something in me just told me no. I tried texting some nicey nice too nice boy but just got annoyed with the whole prospect. I woke up and fixed my phone, and two messages came up from two separate boys: one "hey you" from an old theatre buddy, and one "hey are you still up" from aforementioned annoying too nice boy. I have not replied to either, which seems kinda plain rude.
And it's stupid, because I should be fine by now. I am pretty sure that Jacks fine. Heck I bet he's already got another girl...after all he was texting me a few weeks after he broke up with his ex.
When you break your arm you have this hard wall to protect yourself while it heals, but then once your fixed the cast comes off and your meant to be fine. But sometimes your arm just doesn't feel right and doesn't work just like it used to. This is how I feel.
Honestly I'm scared. There I'll admit it. I'm scared of trying, I'm scared of getting hurt, I'm scared because everything went so right and was almost perfect until it went so wrong.
I'm scared of love as a whole, I mistrust it entirely. And even harmless flirtation or a bit of casual fun I run a mile, because I have this deep fear of everything falling apart and I'm barely keeping it together as it is.
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