In general, looking over my life as a whole, I've been quite happy. I've not had many traumas, nothing that made me that unhappy. There has been ups and downs. Bad periods. Awful days.
But I can honestly say that today has been the worst day of my existence thus far.
I woke up at 4:53 and it suddenly hit me. I found myself crying whilst furiously scribbling in my poetry book. I read some of The Fault In Our Stars, then eventually went to sleep.
This morning I woke up and remembered, which was obviously horrible. I think I only actually started sobbing though when I'd had a shower. I realised that its over. There. I've said it. It's over. I still can't quite believe it. I realised that I will never talk to him again. Never hug him. Never kiss him. Most I'll miss just the conversations we had. And I realised the only thing that would make me feel better would be to be in his arms and talk to him about it, but that is the very thing I am not allowed to do. And will never do again. I'm sobbing by this point holding my knees.
This has recurred throughout the day. At times such as;my mum smiling at me when I ate my lunch; listening to Biblical by Biffy Clyro because it just said everything I feel; curled up on my beanbag hiding from my mum and dad, because I couldn't face them; when a friend said "one day you won't get that feeling in your stomach when you remember the last words he said to you" that set me off. It's been a tough day.
There has been highlights. One was watching a mike falzone video (http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bMhfyH9fhzk) which changed my outlook slightly, another watching a video of a boy that had died from cancer, who wrote songs and spread joy to everyone, but I just can't be happy right now. Also my lovely friend turning up at my door with a massive cake which is really yummy helped. Eating your sorrows for the win!
I feel more levelled out now. I'm still pretty messed up, and I certainly haven't revised for my English exam on Friday, which is extremely worrying. I just couldn't write for the tears. Soz.
Now I am just extremely glad that said boy doesn't know how to find this blog, unless he has remember my Tumblr name that I told him months ago, and found it through there, but if that's the case then it would mean he would have to care a certain degree, which I do not think he does at all.
Now I am going to leave you with something I typed into my notes last night, which probably explains my true feelings best. It is everything I wish I could say to him but I can't.
It's sunk in and it's real now. I am not happy with this. You quit. You just quit because you felt off. We didn't give it a good go. Obviously it felt odd. The general idea is we're meant to spend time together, but exams and revision got in the way of that.7 months of getting to know each other, becoming close, and after a month and a half you've given up. You don't want this anymore. We'd barely even started. It seems a waste of a year, to just give it up. Lets be realistic. I don't just want to be friends. I don't want a backward step. I was quite enjoying life, until you took things too far then decided you didn't feel ready, stopped replying to texts and drove me to the brink with worry. THEYOU BROKE UP WITH ME VIA TEXT DURING EXAM WEEK like what are you trying to do? Not on,y do I have to deal without you, I also have a fucking English exam. Great. Thank you. I am angry because your head is messed up, because you changed your mind, because I fucking liked you but you dismissed our relationship like it wasn't a big deal. Well it was to me and don't you dare say it wasn't to you. On the pre-emptie break up before we got together,you did that too. "Bet £200 your over it within a month" er no. You came crawling back and I forgave. I wonder whether this time you will? I'd hope you would, but I don't think I can deal with anymore if your mind changes. I didn't say any of this on the phone. What good would it have done?
If this is the worst day, then tomorrow has to be better. It just has to be.
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