Shakes

Oh god typing is hard tonight.

I don't know how I feel.

Well I do. I feel wonderful and shakey and tingly and butterflies are exploding from within the depths of my stomach. I can brely breathe. Like never before have I been in the situation where I can't breathe properly. Breathe Beth, breathe.

I'm shaking. No I'm not cold. I'm shaking and I just don't quite know how to stop it. Nerves? After-nerves? Is this a thing? Afterwards these earth quakes rattle my key and I am a tall building thats flexible enough to stay up but my god who knows?

And I'm a little confused as well, like I don't have a bloody clue where I am. Metaphorically not physically. Nalways metaphorically.

Words are so sweet. It's funny because other people can say the exact same words nd it just wouldn't mean the same thing.

Have you ever tasted the word beautiful? It tastes like....truth(?) and frustration and greatness and possibly starting to believe it.

I often wonder what I'll think in he future. Like present Beth feels pretty damn good, but future Beth?
You know what, screw future Beth. I think you could probably regret most things in the past, but honestly when you go back and think; at that moment, did it feel right? Then yes.

I don't even want to go to sleep. Wipe of the traces, the make up. Take off the clothes. Going to sleep makes it less real. It's better to just stay here for a little while at least and think and remember and process and squeeze every last drop of juice from the memories.

Hm. Good nit. Great night.

Easter Saturday

Markets are busy.

Lazy Day

The first day this week I haven't been working (pre-Easter is a busy time for sweet stalls!) and I've forgotten how good it is to just chill. I finally printed off photographs and stuck them on my wall, I watched the hunger games, and now I'm reading in bed, with a little visitor a.k.a. My sister who is chilling on the air mattress next to me for no reason in particular.

Thoughts on Lolita:
*Ooh nice narrative voice
*.....
*oh god he's a paedophile

Goodnight!

Forever 21

Made some purchases today after a brief night time visit to the Trafford centre.

I will post pictures:

I feel a bit bad because I kind of copied the outfit idea from a girl in college but I don't even know her and I swear this is what the most fashionable people do anyway, just with like celebs, bloggers, actual public fashion people.

It's strange actually how we wear things for warmth and to cover our nakedness, and it has become this massive corporate money making / artistic wierd world of rules and trends.

I we all wore the same things, maybe we'd all be happier...then again I do love my shopping.

Sleepover

I'm actually going out tonight (yaaaay fun) to my friends for a girls catch up eat shit watch films episode. Yeee. It is the way.

Woah. Blogging before 7, I never do this. It's usually midnight!

Urgh. This is so boring. EW. Hate myself.

Whatever, I'm not inventive today. Who cares. Nobody reads this anyways. People just aren't interesting all the time. Or most of the time. Barely some of the time to be honest.

A letter to my friends upon my death

If i die tomorrow, wouldn't want anybody to call me "princess" or "angel" or "baby", none of that crap. No Facebook group "R.I.P Beth" with messages saying you won't be forgotten, because I will. We all will. Don't upload unflattering photos captioned "miss you" or post status' how sad you are. Write me a letter if you want to. Pour out your deepest feelings and address it to me, and send it away. For every fake friend, all the people who "remember me from school" tell them to not grieve me, as they never really knew me.

At my funeral yes cry, remember the bad things about me aswell as the good. I am not to be glorified. I was a person. Sometimes good sometimes bad. Play the songs that remind you of me, (and that Morecambe and Wise song ironically to make you smile)

Afterwards have a party, everybody get drunk. Get off with that person you desperately want to but were too scared. Take my blessing. Your chat up line "my best friends dead but she wants me to kiss you now". Go tell the people you love that you love them. Also tell the people I loved that I loved them. Please tell all the people that I thought were hot, all the boys I fancied for years what I could never tell them.

I am aware this is tempting fate, but I feel that somebody should know.

Why can't I sleep (Monday 27th)

It's one o clock and I can't sleep.i keep remembering random things,thinking nah I'll do it later,then realising that yup. Got to do it now.

Well this sucks.

I justwanttosleep.

To be fair I just went to sleep for an hour.

But still pllleeaaaasssseeeee let me sleeeeeep.

Mmmmm movie men

Sundays are meant for watching films and eating.

In the past day I have watched:
*Pitch Perfect
*Tangled
*The Amazing Spider-Man

And I regret nothing. All of them have really hot male protagonists.

*Jesse obv loves classic films plus can sing AND dance? Yes please on toast. There's just something about singing boys...
*Flynn Ryder obv. The perfect Disney male. I would. (Yes I am aware he is fictional. Yes I do not care)
*I'm kind of in love with Andrew Garfield *just saying* especially when he's all nervous and geeky.
Eg when he says "I really like kissing you". Well yeah I'd really like kissing you too.

Mmmm movie men.

Thoughts on 500 Days of Summer

*Zooey Deschanel is a perfect human
*Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a perfect man
*Is it just me or does Zooeys voice sound very high and flimsy? Has her voice deepened over the years? It's strange to hear.
*i feel as if I am a Tom in life. All over romanticising and believing in love, but generally I wish I wasn't. It would be easier to be all stony and not care.
*You make my dreams come true - Hall & Oates reminds me of Summer last year still in High School, and is just one of those songs that ever fails to make me happy
*The soundtrack in general is actually just the best.
* I had this all consuming terror whilst watching, that ultimately I am probably in Toms situation, but I'm choosing to ignore this fact, not get depressed, and not get attached (but I think I already am) (actually I know I already am) (shit)
*does Summer only really wear blue because she's blue like a summer Sky, but also like abit sad?
*The office workers are all really drab, compared to summers blue, showing what's important to Tom?
*when you see her married she is dressed in muted colours, so she isn't romanticised by Tom anymore?
*I think English Lit has made me look to far into things
*Wouldnt you be gutted if you were said Jenny Beckman.
*YOU MAKE MY DREAAAMMSS COMMEEE TRRUUUUEEEEE

Waaaaah

In the absence of heating

Our heating is broke and it might be snowing tomorrow. Is there any worse a sentence in the world?
My sister even fell asleep on me whilst we tried to keep warm. So. Freaking. Cute.

I'm cold.

Anthol

Wah. Woo.

Holy Spotted Cake Cases

I think I need to learn that it's best to write these when I get in from college, not after a heavy nit of procrastination.

Tonight I made cakes, which I'm unsure on the taste, but they sure look pretty.

The significance of 13 will be explained in tomorrow's post!

10:30 time for bed

Is there an illness that makes you really tired?
I deffo have it.

Goodnight.

First world probz

I don't think there's nothing worse than when I'm up late enough that my Dad switched off the Internet, and I can't go and turn it on because
1) I'd possibly get told off or
2) I'd have to get up and switch it off myself when I'm done and that counter-acts any relaxing internet times spent getting snuggled before connection is ripped away and I'm cold and wide awake from my strenuous walk to the plug.
(Note said plug is right outside my bedroom door I.e. 5 steps away but whatever)

So sadly I will just have to post this blog when I get up.

Comin home

Headache.
Weh.
Lost my onside.
Just lemme sLeep plz.

TGIF

Has a homework for every lesson today and I hadn't even started any this morning. I've had to write an essay in my free, then do maths homework (well copy the mark scheme) in my free, then write a commentary in my lunch. I can't leave everything that last again oh my word today has been stressful.

And after a nice meal at a restaurant I fell asleep after knitting and watching comic relief . It couldn't have been that funny then obviously if I napped through it.

I missed my friend ringing me from One Direction though god damn. No little things for me.

Thoughts on Dr Faustus

College theatre trip today! We went to Leeds on the coach, had a wander, then watched a frankly wierd play. Thoughts;
* I like Leeds, honestly wouldn't mind going to uni there. The shopping bit is so cute.
*best freaking Topshop in the world. And a bagel Nash. And a cath kidson shop. What more could you want?
*the play was perhaps the weirdest thing ever. Shakespeariany language, selling your soul to the devil, all that.
*You may think its Marilyn Monroe, but it is the bald man with the satanic laugh.
*bare butts and simulated sex is just awkward for everyone
*Sins aren't pretty
*Moral of the story: don't sell your soul to the devil. Don't trust nun women with wierd stunted French accents. Nothing good ever starts with rubbing animal blood on the floor.

Shiiiiitaaaaaaaaang

I'm currently reading "extremely loud and incredibly close" and the little boy says that because the taaaaaang makes it not swearing. I like that.

I went to the library today, as its better chilling there instead of walking in the rain. I procrastinated though - got a book called Chinese-English Dictionary for lovers and read it instead of doing homework. Mistake number 1. Coming home not doing anymore work. Mistake number 2.
I don't even need a third.

Co

Nagy,;.'gc


And the award for the worst blog post goes to....

This one.

Goodnight

Good thing today: Got a email saying I'm long listed for Lancaster Writing Awards for Poetry...so that's cool.

Bad thing today: came I after a little Leeds line-up party (not that I'm even going. I went mostly for homemade cookies) and I tried to watch the walking dead, but I fel asleep. 2 hours later I wake up, and decide its time for bed. Grey. So my h English coursework done honet.

Right.

Off to bed.

(Why am I constantly sleeping?)

Mothers Day

Happy appreciate the under-appreciated day!

Question: Can I be assed?

Answer: no.

I surrender

That's it. I give up.

I can't do this anymore, no, more than that. I SHOULDN'T do this anymore.

It's too much effort these games we play. No. I just can't.

The sad thing is you warned me. I can't get angry because you were always truthful. I just had this hope you see, this dream that has destroyed me.

I am your handkerchief. And you just keep using e and then forgetting me then washing me clean and using me again when you have your next cold.

Well no more. I'm just going to have to not.

I don't even know how to stop myself.

But I think I've got to, because this past week you've starved me, so I need to accept that this is all it is and all it'll ever be.

I know where I am now. For that is what I now realise this is, I can't even escape unscathed. I'd say I'd try not to let you hurt me, but I don't know. Perhaps not.

I feel like Gatsby. My dream is destroyed so now I'm waiting for a call that deep down I know is never going to come. I had my dream (briefly) but now the sun has set on that one and I have to deal with the all consuming night.

So I'll just wait here until a crazy man revenge shoots me, for maybe that would be easier.

Results Day

It finally came. Th the day I've been dreading for weeks. And I'm not just saying that - I think I had pre-resultseasonal depression. I missed the bus on tuesday, haven't been doing work and have been going to bed early (and I mean like half 8 early...on a Friday) as I've simply had nothing to stay awake for.

I digress.

We received them by email. I got up a 6:15 (they said they'd send them from 6:00am) and all of my friends got theirs, but by 7:00 I had to go in the shower, and finally at 7:08 I got the email.

Maths - A
Physics - B
English Lit - A
English language (coursework) - A

I haven't put my grades on any social media, but this blog is practically a slide of my brain (figuratively of course. No mushy brain matter to be found here!)

My god so chuffed. Only 2 marks off an A in Physics as well! I'm not resitting, I'll just try to make it up on the next exam. I am so pleased with everything, especially weirdly my coursework grade, as I got 78/80 UMS points, with the teacher who hates me and doesn't understand me and always gives me low target grades. It was nice to prove him wrong!

College was filled with so many people with tears in their eyes, it definitely was a shock for some people! But all of my friends seem to have done really well!

I'm glad results day came, because I've been in a rut. I can't even remember the last homework I actually completed, and I've been hating getting up in a morning. But now I see the point again and have found motivation! I went to the library this afternoon, sipped coffee, ate cocoanut macaroons, listened to The Smiths and did lots of Statistics homework! I mean, I didn't finish, and still have a shitload due in for tomorrow, but I'm starting to try to be proactive! I'll start revisiony stuff tomorrow perhaps...

It's a wonder what good grades can do for your self-esteem.

We are all stories, in the end.

I dislike funerals. I dislike that we dress up a person. We make them more than they were, yet also make them less. How can you remember a person in half an hour? Every thought, every moment, everything they ever felt. Capture years of loving and hating and working and thinking into mere minutes. Making them this grand caricature of "how I'll remember them" yet reducing them to bear facts, stories and quotes.

I know i'm cynical. What am I meant to be? Happy?

Also I hate calling somebody the best. Worlds best dad, worlds best friend. Because in reality, the person never actually is. The world best would be perfect, and that doesn't exist. And how do we ever know if our person is the best? We are all little insignificant beings who are around for a short time then suddenly we're not. And that sucks.

So we just ask why and cry over the unfairness of this tragic coincidence we call life.

It's all we can do really.

Whatever I just want to keep going

2 days till results day.
Saying that I'm bricking it is an understatement.
Sadly I'm blaming the omnipresent loom as the reason I've not been doing my homework recently. I'm honestly just terrified, and will *definitely* start doing work next week.

Guffaw.

I've spent my night watching TED talks. Firstly I think I've realised my dream is to do one of those. That would be absolutely amazing.

The one which inspired me the most was a teen talk, with a prodigy boy who told us to stop learning and start thinking. Sadly my whole life seems to be learning, but hopefully I am thinking too. I wrote a poem today which seemed very productive so I'm quite proud.

I've also decided that I want to have a go at spoken word poetry but its just finding a topic, and a place to start. Maybe even going to some open mic events....exciting stuff.

Now I'm just going to go and fill a jar full of good things that has happened so far this year. It seems a nice thing to do.

Hi

Beginning to be such a bad blogger :(

Family

Today was my Nana's 90th Birthday Party. It was absolutely lovely.
We went to a nice meal with excellent food. I sat on a table with three relatives who'd flew over from America, and it was fun to discuss cultural differences! Also planning to go over next year sometime.
We went back to my aunties house for cake and tea. My dad and Nana made a speech ish but it descended into group conversation of memories. It's not often that the whole family is together. I cried with laughter at points. It just kind of made me realise how important family is, and how lucky I am to have such a lovely one.

Shoutout

Hello and welcome to blogs with drunky Beth. All I can say is thank god for autocorrect.

Went to my friends gig at a club. Impressed. I've heard. My friend sing and play (/serenade) but his band was amaze no joke.

I got a song dedicated to me. Lonely boy by The Black Keys, because I love the black keys, hopefully not because I am said love that keeps him waiting. It's probably the other way around actually.

The night was uneventful. My friends left and I grooved for a bit then just decided to call it a night, because nearly everyone had left to go somewhere else to go out, s I was like meh. Lets get these pain inflicters off my feet and go home.

S now I'm in bed and my ears are buzzing and my head is spinning and I just kind of wish I was still somewhere else. With someone else. Doing something else.

And by that I mean like I wish I was out.

Then again this beds preeety comfy.

Friday 1st March

Ooops.