Woo

Enjoy a nice posey pic just cos.

Proposed social activities

The prospect of going out next Saturday has made me ten times happier, and if I can just get through Physics on Wesnesday then I will be a-ok.

Exciting...

The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

(I will post review tomorrow I am too tired right now to write coherently GOODNIGHT)

Oi you - yes you! Hey come read this...

I have had a lovely day doing less than lovely things.

A full 6 hours at the local library making Physics question cards was made better by M&S salads and company making usually lonely revision quite nice plus I wasn't alone to get harassed by mystery scouse men with plastic bags asking for tissues to clean up his spilled soup. Brilliant. My town is full of some colourful characters...

At least it was a productive day!

Hello there my little reader...

Also today this blog hit 3000 views! So to whoever is reading this THANKYOU very much! I don't know whether you are regular viewers, or you just randomly happen to have dropped in via google, but I feel I should say HI anyway. I'd love any comments about who you are, where your reading from, what kind of posts you enjoy reading, how I could make the blog better, your ice-cream flavour of choice or whatever! Don't be afraid to say hello!

As always, keep smiling :)

Getting abreast of the situation

The fact that all I've done today is knit a hat originally for my friends unborn baby (when born of course) but its ended up big enough to fit an adult (kinda) and looking like a boob.

I sometimes worry about my life direction.

I also worry about my sanity a lot too.

As long as I got my suit and tie

When in doubt do a nail of the day.

(I.e. I have too much spare time on my hands)

(On my hands)

(Geddit?)

(Nail related humour is a new low)

(It's not even cute[icle])

(Off to [nail] bed for me)

S.O.L.O. (I'm feeling like a star you can't stop my shine)

HOORAY the sun has appeared. It will not last, but I'm certainly enjoying it.

I just think I feel happier in the sunshine.

On my lunch break from work I bought an M&S Roast Chicken Salad Sandwich (I.e. the sandwich of kings) and sat on some grass outside the Library watching children play and listening to the sounds of street performers. My hat even had a picnic appropriate hat thingy. Aw.

Then I had a lovely evening with my friends soaking up the last of the sun, drinking pimms and having a good ole natter. I really do miss not seeing them everyday in college. They're like my second family.

Time is a great healer, but so is friends, alcohol, music but mostly sunshine. 

Vintage rose nails

I really like my nails today. Greeny colour (OPI Mermaids Tears) with cath kidston esq roses on the fourth finger. I used a mixture of revlon nail polishes for the detail (Peach Petal as the base, Temptress for the base splodge of the flower, then Fushia Fever for the lines of he petals applied using a nail brush from Avon for £1.50 which has revolutionised my life. Then used the green from my other nails to make the leaves.

Sometimes you've just got to have a chill, come home after an exam, watchThe Breakfast Club and spent a long time painting your nails just because you can.

Come on little sunflower, you can do it!

When my sister was very young, for her birthday she received a pack to grow sunflowers. It instructed to water every day, and say the words...

"Come on little sunflower you can do it!"

And the sunflowers grew well and tall.

And now whenever I'm finding something difficult or am going out to try something I.e. an exam, my sister says this to me, or writes it down to take with me.

There's no shame in saying it to yourself sometimes, because acknowledging that you are small, but are determined and WILL do it, sometimes is all you need to succeed.

Come on little Blog reader, you can do it!

(It being whatever it is you are anxious about doing in life. Never fear. Grow tall like a sunflower)

N.B. 'Bethoy' is her pet name for me, though I do not remember where it came from now, nor do I suppose it matters.

Not good...but better

Today has been better, just like I hoped it would be.

Not good but better.

I almost forgot to blog tonight, guess my minds...elsewhere ah how funny.

I'm just going to torture myself by reading back old messages, and seeing all the flaws. Whoop.

And then, as my 2 days of moping are over, I am going to get up with a massive smile on my face, and start living.

The worst day

Disclaimer: i am going through heartbreak and this post contains the burtal words of a heartbroken girl who just needs to vent. Feel free to not read this essay of woe. Go read some of my other posts from a f weeks ago, even a few days ago back when I was happy and life made sense.

In general, looking over my life as a whole, I've been quite happy. I've not had many traumas, nothing that made me that unhappy. There has been ups and downs. Bad periods. Awful days.

But I can honestly say that today has been the worst day of my existence thus far.

I woke up at 4:53 and it suddenly hit me. I found myself crying whilst furiously scribbling in my poetry book. I read some of The Fault In Our Stars, then eventually went to sleep.

This morning I woke up and remembered, which was obviously horrible. I think I only actually started sobbing though when I'd had a shower. I realised that its over. There. I've said it. It's over. I still can't quite believe it. I realised that I will never talk to him again. Never hug him. Never kiss him. Most I'll miss just the conversations we had. And I realised the only thing that would make me feel better would be to be in his arms and talk to him about it, but that is the very thing I am not allowed to do. And will never do again. I'm sobbing by this point holding my knees.

This has recurred throughout the day. At times such as;my mum smiling at me when I ate my lunch; listening to Biblical by Biffy Clyro because it just said everything I feel; curled up on my beanbag hiding from my mum and dad, because I couldn't face them; when a friend said "one day you won't get that  feeling in your stomach when you remember the last words he said to you" that set me off. It's been a tough day.

There has been highlights. One was watching a mike falzone video (http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bMhfyH9fhzk) which changed my outlook slightly, another watching a video of a boy that had died from cancer, who wrote songs and spread joy to everyone, but I just can't be happy right now. Also my lovely friend turning up at my door with a massive cake which is really yummy helped. Eating your sorrows for the win!

I feel more levelled out now. I'm still pretty messed up, and I certainly haven't revised for my English exam on Friday, which is extremely worrying. I just couldn't write for the tears. Soz.

Now I am just extremely glad that said boy doesn't know how to find this blog, unless he has remember my Tumblr name that I told him months ago, and found it through there, but if that's the case then it would mean he would have to care a certain degree, which I do not think he does at all.

Now I am going to leave you with something I typed into my notes last night, which probably explains my true feelings best. It is everything I wish I could say to him but I can't.

It's sunk in and it's real now. I am not happy with this. You quit. You just quit because you felt off. We didn't give it a good go. Obviously it felt odd. The general idea is we're meant to spend time together, but exams and revision got in the way of that.7 months of getting to know each other, becoming close, and after a month and a half you've given up. You don't want this anymore. We'd barely even started. It seems a waste of a year, to just give it up. Lets be realistic. I don't just want to be friends. I don't want a backward step. I was quite enjoying life, until you took things too far then decided you didn't feel ready, stopped replying to texts and drove me to the brink with worry. THEYOU BROKE UP WITH ME VIA TEXT DURING EXAM WEEK like what are you trying to do? Not on,y do I have to deal without  you, I also have a fucking English exam. Great. Thank you. I am angry because your head is messed up, because you changed your mind, because I fucking liked you but you dismissed our relationship like it wasn't a big deal. Well it was to me and don't you dare say it wasn't to you. On the pre-emptie break up before we got together,you did that too. "Bet £200 your over it within a month" er no. You came crawling back and I forgave. I wonder whether this time you will? I'd hope you would, but I don't think I can deal with anymore if your mind changes. I didn't say any of this on the phone. What good would it have done?

If this is the worst day, then tomorrow has to be better. It just has to be.

"It's not you it's me"

Perhaps this is true.

But it's me who is crying in bed now, because you decided you've had enough.

It's me who received a text (the first in a while - I should have known) that broke my heart.

It's me who had to call. To question.

It's me who tore down the train ticket and ripped it in two. 

It's me who ate my own weight in raspberry ripple ice-cream.

It's me who's gone from shocked to confused to wierd to sad to break down to fuck it to hate to anger to sadness again to crying to feeling empty.

I can't form explanations, points, or meaning.

I'm going to go to bed.

See if I can sleep, and not over think everything. Every moment. How could I have saved us?

You've jumped ship before I even thought we were sinking. We hadn't even gotten out of the dock.

And now I'm drowning.

That's a crap metaphor.

You've broken me.

I have kept them all

1. The train ticket.

A bridge between worlds

Orange and green £2.90

Return

2. The CD packet

Track names scrawled hastily

Makeshift from lined paper

It did the job

3. The book

Red bound, yellowing pages

99 years old, from a country

3000 miles away

4. The memory

Stubble brushing up against

Blank pages of skin

Exploring lips

Coz it's you, oooooh it's always you

Watched the New Girl finale for the second time tonight (cough spoiler warning cough) and it just makes me really happy. Just the calling it off then the calling it on (reminiscent of personal experiences actually...) and then the vaccines playing in the background as they drive off to the future and season 3. Brilliant.

Some tv show couples really annoy me, but I can't possibly feel jealous of nick and Jess. Well I don't feel envy. Them being happy just makes me happy, as i feel like its my friends that should obviously be together, and i've watched them for ages. I do however wish that I could be kissed by Nick Miller, simply because he looks like a fantastic kisser. Ooft.

Oh my we are charged* tonight.

*Charged -(verb) a nicer way to say you are sexually frustrated/horny I.e. your tolerance battery is full and must be discharged. "I need a boy to relieve my chargedness"

Thoughts on The Great Gatsby

*Firstly oh my gosh yes I am so glad this exists

*Leo you beauty

*Nick Carraway wins the award for Gooseberry of the century

*they really played up the symbolic nature of the book. Though I wonder what you may think if you hadn't read the book/realised the images "er what's this green light"

*It makes me laugh that the audience was comprised of about 88% couples. So many dragged along boyfriends...

*I really hate book Daisy, but film Daisy, whilst still arguably unlike able, I understand her motives. I understand why she acts the way she does.

*old sport

*i put far too much make up on when going to a place and sitting in the dark

*well done for including direct quotes from the book.

*is it sad I know some of them off by heart? (yes)

*The music was amazing. I didn't quite know how rap and the 1920's would work, but it somehow did.

*Rhapsody in blue is my favourite orchestral piece and I loved that it was incorporated. Gotta love some Gershwin.

*I want to go to a Gatsby party  

*Long films make my butt hurt.

*Its not often that films live up to the books, but this most definitely did.

PARTY AT GATSBY'S. I cannot selfie. So what...shoot me! (teehee the irony)

Coaster

Is it not enough to say I love you? Is it not enough that I won't remember any of the words I'm saying now when morning breaks? You smiled at me. Your tooth is chipped (on a slide you told me once) I like your crooked teeth and your crooked smile and your blue eyes that are water rings from glasses of water staining your table no matter how many times you tell me to use a coaster. I always forget. You are a coaster kind of person. You are a tapper. A finger rhythm maker. I think I found it annoying on the first day but by the second I was used to hearing the steady beating heart of your soul. I like it when I am the drum. I like it when to say goodbye you punch me with a light fist on the shoulder. It means more than a kiss. It's awkward and silly and it just fits (we aren't the kind of people that publicly bare all) and that's good. Nobody else needs to understand our complexities. Our routines. Leg sandwiches. Head on head on shoulder. Is it bad sometimes I just smell you because it calms me down? You are safety you are warmth you are blanket. Soft folds of white cotton. Nest. When we hold hands it's wierd you are so tall but I am small with long limbs and we're twisted but we laugh and say it spoils it all but ivy wraps around the house, weaves itself around drainpipes. I can do that. The disappointment when I don't know what you're playing on guitar but you don't read like I do. We are different, mighty different. Different patches of the same quilt. I miss you now we're both busy but summer is on its way so till then I'll keep all this inside but know even when you're not with me, you always are.

I woke up and wrote this in darkness. I didn't think about it. I did not remember what I had written in the morning. Looking back there are small errors, and things I would change, but I have chosen to present it as my groggy semi-concious brain thought best.

A hearty feminist blog

Cat-calls. There is absolutely no doubt that every girl has experienced street harassment. Heck it's daily basis if you tend to walk by yourself and you are female. You can either go for the angry approach  and yell whilst you give them the finger, or you look at the ground, ignore and feel embarrassed. Personally I go for the latter option, but wish I reacted better.

Now the sad thing is, I am pretty much used to being objectified by complete strangers who are usually young groups of men, who I don't know and thus I can dismiss as simply scumbags to be ignored. But that was until I got objectified by a friend, but only realised later on.

The boy in question goes to my college, and is one of my boyfriends mates. Sitting in the canteen somebody says "Ewan said you have a nice bum yesterday". What am I meant to reply? Thankyou for staring at my bum as I walk away. Brilliant. I am glad that my body is of service to you sir? 

It then went on to "yeah me and Jack [i.e. the boyf] were debating it". Oh well that's even better! Now I am a subject for discussion? Pick a side - team Beth's arse is great vs team I've seen better?

The horrible thing is that I'm meant to a accept this as a complement. I'm meant to be pleased to be found attractive, and the object of discussion.

Then it's starts to dawn on me. I was wearing a pair of blue velvet corduroy leggings. Then I think is this my fault? My pants could be passed as tight, and my top didn't come down over my bum. When I got dressed that morning, all I thought about was making use of feel comfortable so I could concentrate in my maths a-level exam, not about how I would be seen by other people.

 

Now the main perpetrator here didn't see anything wrong with commenting on how I looked, and everybody just found it funny. Well I didn't. Now I feel self-conscious. Should I wear these leggings in college again? Should I start taking the long way round instead of walking past the long canteen tables?

I refuse to change how I want to dress and act just to stop the horny eyes of all of these hormonal teenage boys that aren't getting enough female attention so resort to crude comments and cat-calls.

Talk about the many complexities of my peachy arse all you want, just don't make me listen.

Ly ❤

I am eternally grateful that whateverstressesoccur in life, I have some friends I love conditionally, like family. How lovely is that. Like these people you don't HAVE to put up with, your not family so your not forced. But you love them anyway, and its the least stressful kind of love. No OMG why isn't she texting me back....because you know them so well that nothing's calculated.

I suppose the aim in life is to find a boyfriend like this, but the relwtionships I have with my friends is pretty hard to beat.

Bouncing back up

I think I need a good, hearty vent. So here goes...

I don't quite know how to describe my maths exam today. 

The clatter of Calculator cases cast to the floor, the safety blanket gone; along with their hope

Most of the questions were surprisingly fine, apart from an absolute killer 2 or 3, to which there is honestly no hope. The kind of questions where you can re-arrange those logs to your hearts content but nothing is coming out of it. I felt quite calm on the plus side! Gone is the Beth who would sit in the corner of a classroom under a shelf frantically going through revision cards like a daemon. Proves that you do grow up!

Sadly I rather liked Core 2, but on Friday I have Stats 1 which is well...awful. And I have no motivation at the minute what so ever. I got up to Q4 of my first attempted past paper then gave up, out of sheer boredom. I really should start revising. Oh well. Tomorrow is another day.

After the dreaded aforementioned statistics paper, I then only have English Language on the 24th and Physics on the 5th of June. I go I study leave at the end of this week, so hopefully should have lots of time for these exams.

The 5th of June I.e. freedom is 23 days away (and counting). I honestly don't know how much longer I can take it. The exams I can deal with, the stress/depression/lack of social activitys/absense of laughter/hours upon hours spent in one position however, I cannot deal with. No. I miss my friends. I miss my boyfriend. So much. Even spending limited time with them seems strained, as I feel guilty I'm not revising/for distracting others, plus everyone's so stressed that we're all snapping at each other.

The summer cannot come soon enough.

However I did go outside, and bounce on the trampoline. I remember what it was like for the sun to be out and to feel young again, removed from the harsh reality of college life. I just bounced for a bit, and felt that tiniest bit happier because of it.

I am aware that's not the most flattering of angles, but it accurately conveys how I feel. Slightly scared, hysterical, falling...but bouncing back up.

My new blogger app lets me type in italics which is BRILLIANT as I enjoy little post-script messages akin to a certain blogger and good friend of mine, found at https://wallawoo.wordpress.com/ who you should take a look at if you have time and especially if you like poetry - which I really do but if you don't maybe go take a look anyway? Muchas Gracias 😊

1/2absinC

I'm not even nervous for this exam I'm just exhausted and am sick of reading "the nth term of a sequence is Un"

Well WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS IT EVER GOING TO BE?

Right. 

Positive thinking needed.

Dealing

I crave to read more books and absorb more vocabulary but alas, it is just under a month until I am free. When I can read/ have fun/ go places/ see people I miss / watch films / do whatever the heck I ease without the rain cloud of exams hanging over my head, soaking me to the core.

I can't deal.

Actually...no. I can deal. I will not shutdown. I can deal.

Who am I kidding. I actually can not deal.

Writing/schmiting

Is this great perk
That we all crave?
When two people
subconciously spark
And find, they
Have become a slave
to "love".

For when Your tired
mind is full of
smokey stress that
Poisons tongues
With spite and what
Begins a joke ends in
A fight.

All could be cured
by clutching to extract
The ash. Instead
We'll stay apart so
Fire doesn't spread
Between already burnt
out hearts.

Fire + fire may make more flames
But our tears would put them out.

Let it be over

Today I felt depressed for about 2 hours, but then I cured myself with a packet of rolos.

I hate exams. They're getting to me. They're getting to us all.

The stress is slowly knawing away at my conciousness; all I know and love and the way I usually think. The detritus falls underneath my eyes filling deep purple bags to the brim.

Let me sleep let me stop let me not worry let it be over.

Blogging<revision

Blogging stops during exam season.

Sadly revision isn't going so well either.

"You have to kiss a lot of frogs until you find your prince"

6 days...

Is this what revision panic feels like?

One week till maths ohmygodohmygodohmygod

Right. I can't afford to procrastinate now.

Oohhhmmmmyyyygggooooodddddddddd

Last night (she said...)

Nice party last night. And by nice I mean veeerrrryyy crazy. My god.

By the end I really hated it. Just seeing people drunk is horrible sometimes when it's out of control. I didn't like feeling helpless. Like my brain was functioning and I the early hours I was quite sober, but I couldn't stop the madness around me and that was a little scary.

It was lovely in the beginning though, mostly just getting ready with my friends listening to nice music and talking and laughing and such.

Here is a nice posey pic but I have anxiety against displaying it on any other social medias because I feel vain I.e. HI LOOK AT ME AREN'T I FIT which I don't even think at all. How I wish I was confident in this way! Yes I can approach nearly any person I a situation and talk to them, even strangers and not feel awkward or self aware at all...but posting a serious photo of myself on facebook? The horror!

Anyways skirt and top are Topshop buys. Shoes and watch from urban outfitters and earrings from H&M. I really love the skirt it is so fun to wear and I can't wait to create outfits around it! Especially little tucked in jumpers, and cute patterned tops. Aaah clothes. They make me far too happy.

Brb

Out partying.

Meh

Forgotten how fun it is to go to town with your friends to shop and eat. The subway staff couldn't believe that I have actual living breathing friends. Bet I get a comment tomorrow...

I really wish I didn't have this relationship with my local subway staff. We Are just far too familiar.

Sunshine

I really love sunny days, when you don't need to wear a jacket and you can wear summery pants and get your ankles out. When you can go on a drive with the windows down and the music blaring out. And you can laugh and just feel happy to be young and free.

Sun seems to melt away the worries of exams.

#nameproblems

1) Beth rhymes with death. 'Nuff said.
2) My real name is Elizabeth, and I can't tell you how many forms/exam papers I've filled in, and had to cross out my name. Great. Look like an idiot. Thanks mum and dad.
3) Eery single new teacher calling the register, I have to say "sorry it's Beth not Elizabeth". They never remember.
4) My middle name Anne is fine - Elizabeth Anne. But as I go by Beth, its Beth Anne, like Bethan. I have such name identity issues.
5) In the doctors when they call "Elizabeth Hurst" I honestly don't realise they mean me, so I look slow.


I suppose it could be worse. It could be a lot worse. Still I wish I was a real Beth. Or called something interesting, like Lola. I'd love to be a Lola.