N.A.P.

I don't like the fact I am starting to be known as "the one who naps" (she says grumpily waking up from one)

Charged

2% battery is restricting the length of this tonight.

Good Sundays

There is truly nothing better than retail therapy, nice new clothes, and new pretty bras.

What even is "cool"?

What is cool? I know what I believe is the definition of a cool girl: a tea drinker with a unique music taste of old classic and modern day indie, who buys all her expensive clothes from urban outfitters and Topshop. Who can do perfect winged eyeliner, and has a zooey deschanel/ audrey hepburn fringe (obviously) and who loves any films that her fringe idols are in. Who gets good grades and likes on Instagram and doesn't stress out about tweeting. Who has some artsy goal in life to be a journalist or something, and can bake and reads intelligent books and never has bad outfit/hair days at college.

In short all I feel I want to be and maybe in some respects could be if I had the confidence/money/hair without a stupid kink that prevents fringes/appreciation of tea/steady hand it sadly I just don't.

And I feel so inadequate all the time. Which is bad because I'm generally quite a positive person about myself, because not seeing yourself for who you are is one of the worst things. Ad I always think- what if someone looks up to me as somebody with a perfect everything and wishes she was me, just as I look at other people and wish the same.

But when your breaking out and have rubbish clothes on and have eaten your entire weight in curly aniseed rock and feel tired and rubbish, sometimes it's hard to love yourself.

Is it just me that feels this way constantly? Maybe somebody is reading this who understands this insecurity. Who feels painfully normal and hates it. (If so a comment telling me you're here would be nice. Maybe we can start a "lets accept ourselves because we're awesome" club.)

I just wish that I didn't care about what other people think, and I could just be happy being little old me. But I can't.

I just don't feel cool at all.

Happenings across the pond

Just had a conversation on Facebook with my American cousin, Avery. Just a general catch up. We see things happening in each others life and tend to ask questions about this I.e. WOAH AS IF YOU WENT THERE! or OOOH WHO'S THE GIRL IN THAT PICTURE SHE'S PRETTY or AS IF YOU DID THAT.

We talked about his prom. He took a girl "who is widely regarded as the prettiest girl in the school" even though she's not really interested in guys at the school, they still went as friends, but he is hailed as a legend for this.

My god American schools are so different to English schools.

It is still my dream to go over there while I'm still young, and go to American high school. It would be fascinating! I'd love to be the kooky british exchange student. I would play on this, and make my accent more English and say things like "jolly good old fellow" and drink tea and be dead attractive because of this. Everybody loves a mysterious foreigner...

It's back

My motivation is back, and back with a vengeance.

You may assume I mean my motivation to do work. That is laughable and of course untrue.

I feel very into writing all of a sudden. A lovely girl came in to see us yesterday (us being the avid writers at our college) who is a poet, studying for her MD in creative writing. We did writing exercises and she read our work and we could ask questions and it was generally just insightful. Is not often you see a "proper" poet in the flesh.

We read a unconscious thought poem by her friend about a schizophrenic man walking through a deprived area, and she encouraged us to do a continuous thought poem. I really like how mine turned out, but I'm keeping it to myself for a while as I work on it and turn it into something worth reading.

I did look back over some scribbles from half term, and there is some nice useable ideas.

Here is one I'm partial to:

Forehead kisses
(But not the good kind)
The this is as far as it goes kind
The feels like tiny lovely stabs kind
The I am so sorry this is my fault kind
The I'll just hold you even though this is the problem kind
The this is it kind


The I think this has to end kind.


Not bad. I reckon it needs some description. Something about stubble. Who knows? Only a first draft after all.

What's important is that I feel positive about the future and that really is a good thing.

I do what I want

Lovely readers (whoever you are) this is Jack, a.k.a. The boyf.

And we both look lovely.

That is all.

Grandads girlfriends

Tonight no revision has been done (is there ever any done though to be fair?) as I visited my grandparents. I feel it's my duty as a good grandchild to visit when given the opportunity, because it makes them happy.

But god they're difficult. It's the backhanded insults I can't quite deal with. E.g. "I have a the same cardigan as you Beth" or "well I never had spots when I was young I don't know what happened with you" or "are those men's shoes" or "now you mention it you have out a bit of weight on your face" or ...well you get the picture. It's not said nastily...I hope...but these are the people who really shouldn't make me feel bad. They have no tact at all.

I do enjoy hearing stories from the past though. My favourite of the night was;
Me: How many girlfriends did you have Grandad?
Grandad: what do you mean, in my lifetime or just in one night?
Me: WHAT? GRANDAD?!?

Apparently he was a good dancer, and had good hair and teeth, so he was pretty much a catch. I like to think that my Grandad was a hottie.

And no matter how many girls you may dance with, you still settle down and go old eventually. It's the only thing that's certain really. Even players grow up eventually.

Hear hear

Good headphones are revolutionary. I hadn't before heard music properly until the boyf forced a pair onto me (forced sounds quite violent it was actually a nice gesture) and now I'm not looking back.

Just listening to Old Pine and hearing how the guitar part is split. Realising the true majesty of The Black Keys drum beats. Even face timing a friend seemed ten times closer as the sound was so crispy and clear.

If you are still using those tiny atrocities known as ear buds, I strongly recommend that you go get some full on headphones. Even a cheap pair.

Your life will be greatly improved no doubt.

Reflection

I've just read over quite a few of my older blogposts from a few months ago. My posts were longer, more coherent, and frankly far more interesting. Nowadays they seem to be rushed, short, and I don't feel as inspired as I used to. This is true of recent poetry; I have ideas but never write them down.

I can always tell when I'm not putting effort in, as none of my blogs have photographs attached. I'm sure the rule is never post a picture less blog, as its boring. Well whatever, this is boring. I am boring. Life is sometimes boring, but then it usually gets exciting. Then boring again. Deal with it.

We can play the blame game (as I often do) but honestly I just don't feel very engaged with life at the moment. I think everybody goes through these phases though. I'm not really working to hard, just having fun and coasting by.

This changes as of tomorrow.

Exams are less than a month away, so they are priority of course. I am devoting every single free to some kind of revision, and I fully intend to stick to schedule. I've even bought revision cards, and my new lock screen/background is my revision timetable. Now is that dedication or is that dedication?

I really do need to get my life sorted, and start getting more out of life.

I realise this sounds like I'm at a low point, which is NOT true, as I am perfectly happy. Joyous infact. I just need to stop spending as much time in my bed watching Game Of Thrones and scrolling down Tumblr as I currently do.

Life will improve tremendously if I stop doing this I feel.

Who needs a title anyway?

When you've spent your night sewing ballet shoes, and everyone else seems to be at parties or out getting drunk.

I am watching Game Of Thrones.

Early night for me I think.

Woo.

Eyelids

Falling asleep finally in my own bed. Sadly cold and alone.

eyelids. Won't. Stay. Open.

New Pointe shoes

The smell, the feel, the beauty of a pair of brand new pointe shoes. So Full of promise, they're inspiring. I look at my old pair; grubby, ripped, threads loose, bottoms scuffed. I prefer the new ones obviously. Bu to just have to let go of the good times had because the shoe is old and ugly now.

But then you try dancing in the new ones and they hurt like a dull moany fire on the sides of your feet, and you realise that the prettiest is the centre of all evil.

#dancerprobz

Playa

Perhaps there was a time when a boy met a girl, talked to her, went out with her and then married her, and stayed with her for the rest of his life.

I wonder if there were any "playas" in these simpler times? Probably. I don't believe we've changed that much.

The hard thing is in a world so full of casualness...it's so easy to misinterpret situations.

You know what, whatever. I don't want to be fair and level headed and deep. I just want my friend to be happy, and not have some playa making her feel sad. No. This is not cool. Not cool at all.

Abigail

This ones for you hun.

You cheeky lil silent blog stalker.

And any other unknown readers out there.

It's ok seriously.

I'm just going to keep stupidly rambling on about my stupid un-entertaining musings no matter who reads this.

Pissin.

Boston

We don't take the time to appreciate what we have In life.

Sure col is a bit rubbish sometimes, but life isn't bad.

The Boston bombings really put your life into perspective.

Sadly what's disgusting in the reaction. Blaming North Korea? Muslims? The Stereotypical blame game isn't helping anybody.

Also this is massive news, but civilians getting blown up everyday in wars outside of the west barely get a mention.

The only good thing to think about is the footage showing people running towards the bomb tie, not away.

You really have to remember that good people outnumber the bad millions to one.

Not rushing into things

Realising your living the Tumblr dream of "cuddles and kissing and watching a film" which is strange when you actually think about it. Films are not a joint activity. There's just something cool about doing things together than you technically could do alone.

Well, when it comes to that, you can do life alone and do perfectly well, but other people tend to make it better.


That was awfully soppy but that is just where life is. No further no less. Not standing still, not rushing, just a leisurely pace. Going somewhere, but not yet out of sweet breath.

Reasons I love Onsies

Me and my friend have matching onesies bought unintentionally because we have the same brain. We wear them together because we're cute. Grey with bunnies on them, from Next.

And honestly we look silly, but that's the best part because sometimes you just need to be silly sometimes, enjoy life, and embrace the onesie.

One things for sure...Onsies are much better worn in twosies.

Skipping

I skipped a lesson today. I've never done that before.

The only reasons being 1) hadn't done my homework 2) meant we'd keep the table for lunch, generally just improving my life 3) in staying off with my boyfriend (erm...woah) it meant another hour of fun. 4) plus more time with my best friend 5) yolo

And those reasons are good enough for me.

Cba

Mjjmmnumhymhumnum

Sorting

A organised file makes for an organised mind.

Tired.

So last night I stayed up till. 2:00am finishing my English coursework.

Today I...
1) have been obviously quiet in conversation, because being bubbly around strangers is effort
2) actually gave up in Physics because I couldn't be bothered finding my booklet in the deforestation site that is my bag
3) didn't realise my teacher asked me a question then asked "oh me Beth?" Like a dope
4) came home, watched Game Of Thrones, then napped through it
5) wrote an extremely interesting essay on carrot soup
6)blogged in bed realising that I really need sleep desperately as I just cannot cope without it.

Goodnight!

Somehow i'll make a man out of you

In college they are building a new block, so to get to Maths I must walk past the building site where today there was a very large crane.

Random boy: I wonder if somebody could climb that?
Boyf: you mean like on Mulan?

Me:*looks at Boyf in astonishment*

Me: Lets get down to business. To defeat...
Boyf: THE HUNS

And at that moment I just thought yes. This is the reason I am with you.

Tomorrow

Spent all day doing homework. Seriously...5 hours to do a 1 hour essay. How is that even possible?

I am actually excited to go back to col which is the wierd thing. It will be note resting to say the least!

Got to admit, I think I've missed it.

Saturday 6th April

Whoops.

Honestly so tired.

Weh.

Senses.

Things I can currently smell;

1) Lush Godmother soap, which is the best smell of all time. Blackcurrenty fruity goodness.
2) My pillow, which smells like boy. Lovely, comforting manly goodness.

Mmmm.

Cloud watching

It is possibly very bad that I am still being immature and putting off my half term homework.
I have tomorrow, probably not Saturday, and Sunday to do everything. Oh dear.

I'm procrastinating so bad that I even took up cloud watching. CLOUD WATCHING. Yes as in "ooh look a pig. No a fish. Oh. My gosh see that crocodile". This isn't healthy.

Honestly why have I done this? Do I enjoy this pain of the rush to finish? I will make a revision timetable starting Monday though, it's just got to be done.

There I've said it now, so I have to.

But who needs to work when you could go to a friends, have a hearty chat then just like do normal night-time activities I.e. chill in bed on Facebook but with a friend.

I always wonder if other friends do this. Just go to your mates and sit in complete silence on Tumblr, occasionally showing a funny gif to each other? Something about silence is that it is lovely when it's comfortable, because just knowing somebody is there and your not quite alone is great.

We also watched New Girl in preparation for tomorrow's new episode.

Exciting times indeed...

Asked out

The pause. The pause between saying my name. The deep breath in preparation. The deeply looking into my eyes. The slight laugh on your lips as you ask. The smile as you hear my reply. The nothing else really mattering but the answer.

The me saying yes.

Pre-emptively asked out?

Today has been quite the roller coaster.
11:00 waking up ewww he is shit i feel so horrible
1:00 right i dont need him. going to get over the bugger. Going to work Now
2:30 hello can I help yo.... oh not you again. Why god why. Why are you here buying dolphins oh help I can't do this with his face just there help
2:45 spazz spazz spazz helpppp quick I need water oh god I'm red omgomgomgomgomgmog
3:05 out of work yesss oh god he's text 3 times. I'll reply in a bit just to be polite.
4:45 "it was lovely seeing you Elizabeth" NO YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME. NO. IGNORE.
5:00 going to bury my head in my pillow and not come out
6:00 still not coming out
6:02 crap he's inboxes me ok we'll talk
6:10 FINE IGNORE ME AGAIN ILL IGNORE YOU BACK
6:30 aw he's really trying ok I'll reply we're still friends after all.
7:00 ah see this is why I talk to him oh god this is strange
7:10 YES IM GOING TO SARCASTICALLY CALL YOU A PRICK BUT NOT REALLY MWAHAHAH
8:00/9:00 talky talky banter banter oh your trying to make me say something nice about you ER NO stop being flirty I can't deal this is painful
10:30 onwards; oh you want a proper chat? Ok go on then....
Oh right so you feel shit about being a prick well yeah
Omg
Is he..nah
oh you can take it can you? YES LAST NIGHT SUCKED WTF YOU PLAYING AT
Oh...right carry on are you saying what I think...
Oh god...
Is he saying he's going to ask me out? IS THAT WHAT HE MEANS
I'm scared your messing me about?
OMG. HE IS ASKING ME OUT NOT HERE BUT HE WILL
OMG
OK IM PRETTY HAPPY NOW
If you call me princess I'll end you


It went on chatting about nice things....but the main details are there.

Strange strange day.

Pre-emptively dumped

When you find yourself in the exact situation of a book then realise that it's not going to end as well as the fiction did.


Happy April Fools Day to me.